By: stellargirl
CH. 1 & 2
You guys can call me J pala. Makati girl, I’m a Civil Engineering graduate from one of the most prestigious universities in Manila. My parents are both successful professionals and used to run their own, let’s say a small but thriving construction firm. Our life was great and comfortable. We live in a nice house, own a few nice cars and grew up with drivers and helpers around. I grew up with a sister just a few years younger than me. Our personalities are in complete opposite with each other as she’s more of a party girl, adventurous and pasaway type and I’m in to clean fun, goody two shoe type of person.
As far as personality goes, I am generally friendly, lively and easy to get along with despite the fact that I am really a snobby person inside. I’m not loud or confrontational. I’m prim and proper with a confident demeanour that sometimes often come across as mataray and rude. Regardless, not once I treated people with disrespect (except maybe the wrongdoings I’m about to share) and act almighty. I have a personality and people I came across with respects that about me.
As for looks, I’m not gonna pretend that I’m this super-hot babe or drop-dead gorgeous chic like the ones you’ve seen on TV or magazines. I’m not going to paint your imagination na I’m this sobrang wow na girl just to get you guys excited. I’m a regular looking chic, more of a girl next door type, a type of girl that you would probably be proud to meet your parents. Cute rather than beautiful. I have a slim frame, heart-shaped mataray face, chest-length hair (no bangs). The only drawback about me is my height (I’m a little above 5 feet) but actually most guys find that cute about me. Maybe I’m being conceited or not pero kasi I hate rating myself tapos hindi pala ganun tingin sayo ng tao. But one thing is for sure, I do get a lot of suitors and attention.
As far as the history of my dating goes, I only dated two guys my entire life. The first one was my college sweetheart named Christian and I’ll tell you guys more about him later. I met my second boyfriend Mike just last year and we are currently living together and marriage is something we have already been discussed and planned.
Christian and I dated for 4 years while I was still in college. I met him during my 2nd year in college while volunteering for an elderly care group. Same school kami but he’s two years ahead of me. He’s well mannered, soft-spoken, respectful kind of guy and he loves me so damn much. Too much that sometimes it’s not even fair na minsan. If anyone of you watching The Big Bang Theory series, he’s very much Leonard and I’m his Penny. Even though he’s the best guy I know and I care so much about him, there’s something about him that was really lacking but I can’t pinpoint and identify what it is at the time.
There’s nothing much to share about our sex life when we were together. I was raised with the mindset of sex after marriage just like everybody else. Being a prided teenager that I am, I put that mindset to my heart and never let anyone persuade me away from it. I never let Christian touch me for years and nilagay ko din sa mentality nya na sex is something that he needs to earn from me.
At one point during our first few months of dating, he tried to make “chansing” while we were watching a movie and later that night I broke up with him for real. He was so sorry and begged me to take him back, well nagkabalikan naman kami after a week pero since then he never tried or insist anything about sex anymore. He loves me so much and he’s willing to wait and be patient to earn it. Looking back, natatawa na lang ako why ganun ako mag isip and why I’m using sex as some kind of power and control over someone.
Of course, along the way, I got curious about sex din naman. Most of my friends have something to share or joke about it and I have none. Most of the time they avoid talking or joking about it with me nalang. Naiilang daw sila kase they know na it makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Well, it’s not like I hate the idea of having sex, really I don’t mind. I just don’t want others to feel na I’m that easy and they can get through me that way. I have this cautious thinking na most guys are predators at sex lang ang habol nila sa mga babae.
3 years into our relationship, we both decided to give it a try. I can say na parang societal pressure nalang so that I won’t feel so naive about it and at the same time parang masyado na kaming matagal and for us not to even try seems to be pretty unfair for him. We’ve probably done it for like 4-5x lang, and all I can say that the experience is more like “exploratory” rather doing it for’ sarap’. I’m also his first so we were both clueless and not even sure if we are actually doing it right. Add the fact na we are both paranoid na mabuntis nya ako so that takes the fun out of it.
I don’t even remember nga na we have a “completed” sex session. Most of the time we were stopping every few minutes kasi nga kapag he’s about to cum na, titigil na sya to avoid unintentionally cumming inside of me. Imagine ganun pa rin kami ka paranoid kahit na he’s wearing a condom. At that time, I have no complaints naman about the experience since I don’t have any experience to compare it from. I was only able to get off when I’m on the receiving end of our foreplay. I refuse to try and give him a blowjob so nagse-settle na lang kami for a handjob to get him off. But still, props to him for popping my cherry.
We’ve been together for almost my entire college years until we decided to break up due to distance. He started working in Singapore and at that time I’m still finishing up school. There’s no way naman na papayagan ako ng daddy ko magwork ako overseas. It was a mutual breakup and there were no ill feelings at each other. Later on, I found out he was really devastated after our break-up but he didn’t show any of that sa akin. We remained friends and still in contact with each other kahit wala na kami.
To be honest, I really took him for granted, and feeling ko he’s always going to be there waiting for me. I can tell na he still loves me and cares about me na parang if I whistled for him to come back, he will come running. On the other hand, I was so ready to move on. At that time, I was ready na din to be single and experience being courted again. I was so full of myself thinking na guys will be lining up for me and imagining my girlfriends goes kilig sa mga future na manliligaw sa akin…. all that immature stuff.
It didn’t take a while before I started enjoying my newly-found relationship free life. I was able to focus on my school and my freedom after school life. After graduating, I started working as a QS apprentice sa isang design firm. I stayed there for a couple of months until yung daddy ko pinipilit nya na magfocus nalang ako sa company namin. At that time, It felt like he’s controlling my whole life. In fact, I didn’t get to choose my career, sila nagedecide for me with the intention na gusto nila na ako ang magtutuloy ng naumpisahang business nila. I’m cool with that naman but I wanted to be independent din, earn my own money starting from the ground up, learn and relearn from my own failures.
While working sa company namin, I manage to gain a lot of contacts and friends. I met a few guys and got a lot of suitors as well. and not be brag but I couldn’t count them all na kasi yung iba e showy while others are playing safe naman at hanggang paramdam lang.
I learned to be available but not too available. I keep telling them na I’m still in the phase of getting over my previous relationship and I’m appreciating my single life pa. Men are like kids and the more you push them away, the more they wanted you the most. I learned how to charmed men and make them habol without being flirty at maglandi. They wanted to be challenged eh. It was fun to see through every guy’s style or diskarte, pa-cute and pa-sweet, every bola words that came out of their mouths. Having so many options and choices, I wasn’t ready to commit to anything at all. Besides, why am I settling for less? I want a good-looking, successful guy that I can be proud of.
I used to think that girls who agree to a one-night stand or casual sex are needy as hell. For me it makes you look so easy and engot by letting yourself victimized by predator men. Sure, for some, this is their bold move to get the guy they want. Maybe they think they’re aren’t pretty enough or maybe self-confidence is not there kaya sila pumapayag ng ganun, Not me. Ano sila sinuswerte. I’m not desperate. I have my pride and dignity and self-worth and etc…. Or so I thought.
Despite my lack of experience, I’m not naive naman na about sex anymore. I’ve done it (sort of) with Christian, and I know how it feels just basing on our encounters lang. I realize na it wasn’t a huge deal as I thought it was. Ganun lang pala yun, nothing exciting and yet there are few girls who are going bananas about it.
A close friend of mine entrusted me of her secret na she’s having an affair with a married guy na 8 years older than her. I keep telling her na it’s yucky and she should end it ASAP and she deserves better blah blah blah all that stuff. But according to her e hindi nya kaya and that everything is exciting and the sex was mind-blowing. I was like “Huh?” “exciting?” is she crazy?? Is she losing her mind and getting desperate or maybe she’s one of those girls na talagang ma-L lang. Never in my mind na I can picture myself na papatol lalaking so much older than me and lalo na sa may asawa. Again, or so I thought
Mind-blowing sex? What’s that like? My experience was okay pero it’s not mind-blowing or something that I’m willing to lose my pride and dignity for. I’m curious yet it’s hard to be curious and be single at the same time. I got suitors and guys showing interest in me but should I just flirt with them and be their girlfriend agad so that I won’t feel guilty of having sex? At least boyfriend ko sila, does that make me feel any better? Why do I need to justify everything to make me feel better, I can have sex with a stranger and not tell a single soul. Damn it. Am I now considering casual sex? Where did that come from?” It all started with those harmless thoughts and dumating na sa point na I’m considering it na but I will never ever push for it to happen. Just exploring the possibilities lang. If may opportunity with perfect time, place and guy….well yeah maybe.
Ch.03: Off to Singapore
Our business started to slow down na din at dumating na sa point na nahihirapan na rin kami makakuha ng new projects. I’m eager to see a change in my life and I’m craving for some independency, so I decided to push my luck and continue my career na lang overseas. Not because of the money or career opportunity, but I wanted to be away from home and live on my own away from my control-freak parents.
I narrowed it down to two destinations, Dubai and Singapore. My two best friends are based in Dubai but almost everyone I know suggested that Singapore is a better choice. It’s closer to home plus nandun din si Christian who I remained friends and in touch with. Mejo confident naman ako na he will step up somehow and make my transition a lot easier. I can rely on him and I’m pretty sure he still cares about me and would love for me to be there close to him. Well, I wasn’t hoping for anything romantic but y’know, never say never right? We left in good terms and my doors will always be open if he ever wanted to start dating again.
I decided to take a couple of days off work and visit Singapore for a holiday and ocular visit na rin to see if I’m gonna like it there. When I told Christian about my planned visit, Sobrang excited sya and he insisted pa na sya na daw bahala sa akin. He suggested a fancy hotel close to his apartment block, para daw magkalapit lang kami just in case I’ve encountered any issues during my stay.
After arriving in SG, Christian was there to look after me as I expected him to do. He picked me up at the airport then hindatid nya ako sa hotel ko. He wasn’t able to accompany me during the first few days due to work commitments but he checks on me every hour, brought me breakfast sa umaga and cooked for my dinner at night. He invited me to their apartment and gave me a tour of their flat para daw I know what to expect when I’m finally looking for my own place.
As for my impression of Singapore, Ang ganda! I’m enjoying the vibe of the city and realized that this is where I wanna be. Singapore is perfect for a young gal like me living on my own for the very first time. Sobrang safe at convenient. I caught up with some of my old college friends and they made a very convincing case din to choose Singapore over Dubai.
On my 3rd day, Christian was able to get off work and we spent the entire day shopping at Orchard area. I feel safe knowing I have him by my side. Just when I thought spending time with him again would somehow rekindle those old feelings we had, nalaman ko na lang na naka moved-on na pala sya and currently seeing somebody else.
I know that it has been like 2 years since our break up pero after hearing na may girlfriend na sya, it bothered me and I don’t know why. He saw the disappointment sa face ko but I told him na, of course, he’s allowed to date. Sinabi ko nalang na nagulat lang ako and maybe yung pagaasikaso and spending the whole day with me was a bad idea.
He assured me not to worry about that. In fact, his girlfriend pa daw is someone I used to know and she’s cool with us being friends regardless of our past. He then admitted na he’s dating a previous member of our volunteer group way way back years ago. I know her for being malandi with the way she dresses and I believe she’s using that community to meet and flirts with men. Maybe I was a little bitter for saying that.
I was no longer in the right mood pero out of spite and my childishness to prove to Christian that I too had already moved on, I still joined their dinner fully expecting to endure the awkwardness of the entire night.
Dinner was set at Makansutra near Esplanade bay. Most of his friends have been scattering around trying to order food when Christian’s girlfriend (Nathalie) joined in. She was friendly naman towards me pero hindi pa rin ako comfortable. I felt so out of place and I kept asking myself ‘why? why am I here? I just wanna go home…’
I think 7-8 guys yung nandun at kami lang ni Nat ang babae. It bothered me when he introduced me to his friends as a former ‘schoolmate’ lang but then, of course, he wouldn’t introduce me as his former ex in front of Nat. I couldn’t even think straight kaya kahit names ng mga friends ni Christian hindi nagregister sa utak ko.
There’s a guy named Dan na despite his kanto boy looks and his unbearable loudmouth, he stands out from the rest of the group for being a joker and their clown. Mejo nakatulong sya to take my mind off from the situation I’m already in.
Sometime after dinner, most of the guys are in and out of our table. Some went to the toilet, some went to smoke and some went to buy for drinks. I don’t wanna be left alone with Christian and Nat so I decided to excuse myself and get some air and check out the views of Marina Bay Sands. While I was there near the river and taking my obligatory selfies, I saw Dan from afar and he’s walking towards me.
“Ei, baka kailangan mo ng tulong? Ako na kukuha sayo”…. He asked while trying to get my selfies yet hindi ko macapture ng maayos yung background view.
“Sige po kuya thank you kahit isa lang” pakiusap ko sa kanya. I called him kuya kasi he’s older and I forgot his name. He then took a couple of shots.
“Mejo madilim e…” he said while returning my phone. “Try natin sa phone ko gusto mo?” I was looking at my pics and madilim nga so I said “yes sure”
He took a couple of shots again and he’s right, mas malinaw nga yung sa kanya. “Wala akong file transfer app eh, gusto mo isend ko nalang sa FB mo?” He said while naka ngisi. I gave him a smile na parang I know what he’s trying to do.
“Or kung gusto mo sa whatsapp or viber, let me know your number na lang” He added.
I was quick to judge him by his looks agad and I froze while trying to come up with a reason to say no. Nahiya nalang ako so I shared my FB account and he added me agad. That’s how I found out about his name. He told me, marami pang magandang spot to take photos so willing daw sya maging photographer ko while touring around in SG. Nakakagana daw mag take ng pictures kasi maganda daw yung view at subject lol. At that time, I didn’t take it as if he’s flirting with me, maybe because I was still distracted by the whole ‘Christian and Nat’ situation.
Dan and I continued our convo while strolling around reaching the bridge. He asked me why I’m there and how do I know Christian etc. Hindi ko na rin inamin yung tungkol sa amin ni Christian so sinabi ko lang na I’m just a friend visiting and doing my due diligence to see Singapore before settling in. I got to know him a little bit. He’s in his mid 30’s, working by himself while nasa Pinas yung family nya. Inamin pa nya na him and Christian are friendly to each other yet they are not super close. It’s like they are in one group or tropa who hangs out because of their mutual friends.
Christian caught up to us and I saw him staring at me and Dan from afar and you can tell the uneasiness in his face while still pretending to be alright. I kind of enjoyed seeing him bothered like that so I did a little subtle flirting with Dan, showed him some interest, laugh at his jokes (although he’s funny naman talaga) at pinaramdam ko kunwari na enjoy na enjoy akong kausap sya.
I wasn’t trying to make Christian jealous since there’s nothing more I can do about us… I don’t know. For some reason, I took the pleasure of seeing his annoyed reaction when he saw me enjoying Dan’s company.
Ch. 04: Gimik Date Prank
I got back to my hotel room with a heavy heart after learning about Christian’s new girlfriend. I have no right to be upset pero hindi ko ma-control yung bigat ng pakiramdam ko. I went to check Nat’s FB page and dug deep into her timeline and then I found several photos of them together posted 2 years ago, this was around the time Christian and I parted ways. A lot of scenarios are running inside my freaking head; Did he cheat on me while we are still in a long-distance relationship? Is she the reason why we broke up and why Christian decided to let me go?… At that time I just wanted to be far away with them as much as possible. They made my decision a lot easier… there’s no way I’m coming back here in Singapore. I am fully decided na sa Dubai nalang talaga ako.
While browsing through my phone, message notifications pop into my screen and it was Dan sending me some of my photos he took earlier. Kinakamusta nya ako and typical me just sending him single word replies and letting him know na I wasn’t in the right mood to talk. Then he hit me with another message fully capturing my attention; “Pasensya na hindi ko alam na ex-gf ka pala ni Christian… Kung alam ko lang edi mas nakiride-on ako sayo at pinagselos natin sya lalo…”
He admitted finding out about me and Christian after checking my facebook throughly. I reacted defensively agad by letting him know na I don’t use people for that nonsense yadda yadda… pero inamin ko din out of spite na I was trying to show him na naka-moved on na rin ako.
Dan and I chatted all night till the very next day. He listened to my kwento kahit na I’m being too self-centred for talking too much about me. In short, I got comfortable din ako kaagad sa kanya. He’s fun to talk to and most importantly he’s honest… He didn’t lie about being married… so that cleared everything up na agad na hindi ko sya papatulan at yung mga flirtation at hirit nya are not meant to be taken seriously.
I think Dan is becoming more and more comfortable na din expressing himself towards me and it’s definitely a welcome change. He talks real shit at hindi sya kagaya ng ibang guys na nakakausap at nakikilala ko na pa-goodboy at sobrang ingat na ingat sa akin. Maybe ayaw nila ako ma-offend or baka ma turn-off agad ako sa kanila? But for quite some time I was hoping for somebody to treat me like an adult. Sa totoo lang, a non-filtered convo doesn’t really bother me anymore.
Dan chats the way he is in person… direct to the point and full of confidence. May mga hirit sya na minsan bastos and he’s not holding back when cursing pero hinahayaan ko lang sya. I wanted him to be himself sa akin.
The next day was Saturday and I didn’t have much anything planned for the day. Eventually, I got bored so I went for lunch with some of my old friends and did some light shopping at Bugis market for pasalubongs. Dan and I kept our communication throughout the entire day. I decided not to bother Christian anymore and kept my distance after learning about his girlfriend. So, I turned to Dan and he was happy to give me some tips and guides travelling around SG. “Huwag ka maniwala kay Christian, sa akin ka makinig…” mga hirit pa nya.
Later that afternoon, Dan shared a screencap of a group chat ng mga tropa nila, the same group that I met during last night’s Makansutra dinner. Dan was teasing Christian about asking permission kung pwede ba daw nya ako ‘pormahan’. You can really tell naman na pabiro naman yung way ng pagkakasabi nya. Most of the guys were chiming in, binubuyo si Christian, inaasar si Dan etc…
Dan told me na kinukuha nya lang daw reaction ni Christian so that he can share that with me. Christian was obviously irritated and he’s being sarcastic pa by wishing Dan some good luck and bluntly warning Dan that he knows me very well and sure na hindi ko daw sya papatulan. Christian never introduced me as his ex-girlfriend so parang nagtataka yung mga friends nya kasi obvious daw na masyado daw syang affected at napipikon.
I’m not even sure why but I was thrilled by his alarmed reaction. I don’t hate Christian. He didn’t do anything wrong naman. He didn’t cheat on me when we were together (maybe…, I don’t know) and in fact, his true intentions towards me were pure- He doesn’t want to lose me as a friend despite na he’s dating somebody else na. He wanted us to be like Ross and Rachel.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the right mind at that time. I was being bitter and vindictive. I wanted him to feel the way I felt about him and Nat. I don’t know why and I don’t have any reason for feeling that way. In my mind, It felt like Christian was sticking it into my face na he had moved on and he’s dating a better girl… kahit alam kong hindi naman talaga yun ang intention nya. Basta, I wish I could explain further where my head was and my feelings back then.
Dan sort of suggested na we should meet up kahit pa-picture lang na magkasama kami just to tease Christian more and shut his friends up na walang bilib sa kanya. The right thing to do was, of course, to easily turn him down and let him know that I’m not interested in being used for some silly prank.
But then again my emotions are overwhelming me and I wasn’t thinking very clearly so I agreed to meet him. Dan suggested na I should dress something different and wanted me to look hot. Sobrang polluted yung mind ko so I went straight to shop for some tube top (which I don’t normally wear at that time) and afterwards went back to my hotel to get myself ready. Looking back, it’s crazy to think na I was doing all that effort to make Christian jealous… an ex-boyfriend na wala namang talagang ginagawang masama sa akin. Where in reality, I was completely overlooking the fact na I was about to go out on a date with a guy like Dan.
Dan asked me to meet him sa Clark Quay (Gimik spot in SG) which is actually just a few minutes cab ride away from my hotel. He was all smiles when I met him wearing just a normal polo shirt & jeans.
“Tara picture na so I can go home and rest na…,” I told him agad even though I was expecting naman to hang out with him for a while.
“Ikot ikot muna tayo, kahit drinks lang. Sayang naman porma mo eh…” Hirit nya. So we stroll for a bit, showing me around Clark Quay which is surprisingly not so crowded and for a Saturday night. It seems like he knows where to go so sinusundan ko lang sya.
Suddenly he’s greeting some guy na lang bigla sabay pakilala sa akin. Mga workmates nya daw are there hanging out at kung okay lang daw na maki-join kami. I figured it out na meeting his workmates there wasn’t a happy accident where in fact he’s trying to parade me as his date in front of them.
I was staring at Dan with my ‘taray’ look, letting him know na I also knew what he’s trying to do. He was looking back at me like he’s begging for me to go along with it. Of course, ang rude naman to turned them all down… so when we all sat down, bumulong agad ako kay Dan na “Ikaw ah… kaya pala dito mo sinabi na magmeet…kaya pala…”
Dan’s friends are cool naman at may mga girls din so mejo naging at ease naman ako kahit na at times I caught some of the other guys are staring at me, probably wondering why a girl like me hanging out with a guy like Dan. Later on, Dan handed over his phone to someone, asked him to take a photo of just me and him seating side by side. Afterwards, He leaned over close to me to share his phone screen as he sends over those photos sa group chat nila.
Enjoy naman kami sa mga replies ng ibang friends nya. We know that Christian has seen the pictures pero he’s not responding at mas lalo syang kinakatyawan ng lahat. A few minutes later, my phones buzzed and it was Christian calling me. I remember holding my phone with my paarte na OMG face, proudly showing to Dan who’s calling me. Dan told me not to answer the call para daw mas lalo syang ma siraan ng ulo.
After a while, I started to feel a little tipsy and Dan pulled me away sa group so that we can hang out just ourselves. We just sat there at the steps along the river then kwentuhan at chikahan lang mostly about Christian. He confessed na he kind of knew something about me and Christian pero ayaw nalang nya i-open up. Classic move na kunwari may sasabihin sabay babawiin na wag nalang. Of course, ako naman nacucurious so back and forth kami na kinukulit ko sya kung ano yung gusto nya i-share sa akin.
Dan shared a particular drinking session of their group happened a few years back. Pinilit daw nila na lasingin si Christian para magkwento tungkol sa sexlife nila ni Nat (Nathalie). Christian shared to them na wild daw si Nathalie sa bed, complete opposite ng ex-gf nya na sobrang conservative (which is me). He added na marami daw syang firsts with Nat like blowjobs etc…. Christian kind of insulted me pa about me being too uptight and childish and partially blaming me for not able fully enjoy the craziness of college life as much as others did.
I was stunned of course and I didn’t know how to respond after hearing all of that. Nangaasar pa sya na masyado naman daw akong madamot at pinahirapan si Christian about sex kaya daw naghanap na ng iba. My insecurities started to reel in kahit alam kong mejo sinasadya or ginagatungan nya lang yung issues namin ni Christian. Ako naman si gaga na feeling emotional so I kept defending my principles and explained to him na I was young then and sobrang immature.
From then on, naging topic na namin ang sex. He’s being upfront sa mga words na ginagamit nya and to my surprise hindi naman ako na-ooffend. Thanks to his never-ending na pang gagatong, he got me to the point na napapaamin nya ako to some personal stuff that I don’t normally share with anyone. In fact, I don’t even have to defend myself to him, pero there I was, determined to prove myself na I’m not some kind of Hitler in bed as Christian claims that I am.
I wasn’t backing down to any sensitive conversation he brought up. Some of the questions were too personal that I couldn’t answer him directly pero I showed him that I can handle them. Pati rin ako nagugulat sa sarili ko. He’s started to gain more confidence din to express himself sa akin. In fact, I can feel my nerve endings feeling stimulated as the conversation started to turn me on a little bit. Not a single soul dared to talk to me that way before.
“Ano kaya reaction ni Christian if malaman nya na may nangyari sa atin. Tingin ko mababaliw yun….” he said ng pabiro and added with more pangbubuyo from him. “Nageenjoy na sya kay Nat, dapat ikaw din, alangan naman sya lang diba…?”
I’m not stupid and I know what he’s trying to do. I can see through him and I’m not some gullible chic na mabibiktima nya. He’s playing with my insecurities and trying to convince me to get even. Asa sya diba! I’m not falling for that. So lame and offending if he actually believes na it’s gonna work at mauuto nya ako.
But then again, this is new territory for me and I’ve never gotten to this point with any guy before. Lahat sila never get passed to this level of flirtation. I’ve always been curious about how do hooks-ups go and lead to sex. Paano sya nai-initate? paano nagsisimula? I’m pretty sure I can stop at any point so sige, I’ll play the stupid chic part and see how it goes. Alam ko naman na I can end it whenever I wanted to.
“Ok lang ba ihatid kita sa hotel mo. Sa lobby lang ako and magchecheck-in sa FB para sa mga fans ko (referring to his friends in their group chat) at kay Christian para mabaliw sya…” biro pa nya kahit na I know for sure he wouldn’t do that because I know he’s married. Takot nya lang din na mahuli sya ng wife nya.
A part of me finds it exciting na we have an audience waiting for what’s gonna happen between us. Dan is basically the clown of their group… I mean not in a ‘light-of-the-party’ type of way but he’s their tropa that no one takes seriously and just laughs at him. Everyone finds him pa-bida, loud, obnoxious at mayabang so they can’t wait to make fun of him once he fails his way sa akin. Knowing all of this, I can’t help but root for Dan to succeed. Sadly I can’t let it happen and it won’t be at my expense.
So, I was going back and forth of ending it then or let it play out and deal with the consequence later. I know the right thing to do and there’s a reason I have been avoiding to get into this kind of situation my entire life. But for once, I wanted to see how it plays out. I know it’s stupid to let this go further, but I’m not being entirely stupid because I know exactly what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’m not hypnotized or under some sort of spell na walang control sa mangyayari. I have a clear mind and I swore to myself na I can end all of it just before everything gets worse.
I didn’t agree to anything pero we just started walking towards the taxi stand. While in a queue, I remember asking him “So from a make-believe date, now gusto mo magmukhang may mangyayari pa sa atin? Galing mo ah!…”
“Sa ganda mo at sa kagaya ko, okey na ako sa make-believe” sagot nya and he jokingly added “Mas masaya na ako dun kesa makantot nga kita pero wala naman akong proof at walang maniniwala”
I was stunned by what he said. Did he just say the “K” word right in front of me? “grabe ka!” was the only words came out of my mouth. Ewan ko ba… pero parang nag blush ako sa sinabi nya.
“Haha bakit? Totoo naman… Kung may proof lang ako na kunwari may nangyari sa atin, masaya na akong uuwi sa bahay at dun nalang ako magjajakol at iimaginin ko nalang na nakantot kita. Ganun din naman yun…” dagdag pa nya.
I slapped his braso while looking around hoping na walang nakarinig sa kanya. His kalye words started to turn me on and when it did, my good girl instincts are alarming me to end this madness. I felt numb like my whole body, arms and face were all blushing at the same time- that’s when I started to think na this shit can really happen if I don’t end it right then and there.
“Okay so if you have a choice between having a staged proof pero it didn’t really happen or it happened pero there’s no proof, mas pipiliin mo yung una*?…”* I asked while looking for an opportunity to turn him down.
“Kung convincing yung staged proof then oo mas prefer ko yun…” sagot nya without any hesitation.
His answer threw me off a little bit. I fully expect him to select the other at naka-compose na sa utak ko how I’ll turn him down. “Really!? You’d rather feed your ego than the real thing…?” shocked pa din ako sa sagot nya.
“So, if I asked you to go ahead let’s do it, no proof or anything, tatanggi ka…?” dagdag ko pa
“Real offer ba yan? Haha! Ofcourse mas pipiliin ko na makantot kita. Pero if papipiliin mo ako sa dalawang option, mas appealing sa akin yung may proof just because I know hindi possible yung una” sagot nya. “Wala naman akong galit kay Christian,at wala naman akong kailangang I-prove sa mga tropa… Pero minsan pinagkakatuwaan nila ako na nagyayabang lang daw ako at puro imbento…”
“Yang si Christian nahuli ko na yan na behind my back sinasabi nya na feeling gwapo daw ako at wala naman daw maniniwala sa akin… May sarili pa silang group chat at pinagkakatuwaan itsura ko. Over confident at marami daw nababastusan sa akin” He added. “So yep kung mas convincing yung proof, mas prefer ko yun”
I’ve known Christian for a very long time and he does talk about people he dislikes behind their backs. He’s friendly to your face even if he doesn’t like you and then alienate other people to dislike you behind your back. So somehow naniniwala ako sa sinasabi ni Dan.
We were in the middle of our convo when suddenly a cab pulled in right in front of us and I lost my chance to tell him na wag na akong ihatid. My passive-aggressiveness came back to bite me as he’s all convinced na something is about to happen between us. Dan continued to talk shit about Christian the entire cab ride while undecided naman ako between trying to find a way to turn him down nicely or let him have his way and see what happens.
Nasa likod ko lang sya and he was following me when we entered the hotel lobby. I thought if I didn’t say anything, iisipin nya na ok lang na sundan nya ako hanggang sa room ko, so I stopped and said my goodbyes and thanked him sa paghatid. Humirit pa rin sya na kung ok lang daw ba na ihatid nya ako sa room ko habang naka ngisi sabay kindat pa sa akin.
I think it reached to that point where it’s really up to me to decide if this is really gonna happen or not. The adrenaline of being a lone traveller in a foreign country and thrill of doing something crazy… do something I wasn’t supposed to… and I can leave it all behind me was so tempting. I can let this stranger take me and won’t have to worry about any guilt or consequences. I wanted to say yes but it felt overwhelming at that time and I chickened out as I’ve always been my entire life. I chose the safer option and I turned him down.
“Dan, alam ko what you’re trying to do, pero I’m sorry but I can’t let this happen. I think we’ve gone too far na. I’m thinking straight and trying to do the right thing. It was fun playing along and fooling Christian and thank you for that. But hanggang dun na lang… If you want to impress your friends, I can’t be a part of that anymore. Pero thank you….” mahabang monologue ko sa kanya
He looked so disappointed pero he was still smiling. Humihirit pa rin sya na he just wanted to take a couple of pictures lang daw ng room ko at aalis na sya. He won’t send it daw sa group or kay Christian kaya mejo nalito ako kung para saan pa yun. Anyway, I ignored his request and just gave him a smile and waved goodbye.
I went up and went straight to my bed with a heavy feeling around my chest. It was rude na paasahin ko sya but I know na I just avoided a potential catastrophe sa buhay ko. I know I made the right decision but I didn’t feel good about it. I started remembering our kwentuhan earlier, how his bluntness and unfiltered words turned me on and suddenly there’s a feeling of regret of turning him down.
Minutes just passed and I was bored na agad. I decided to make it right somehow… so I stood up, took a couple of photos of my room and sent it to him with a message “Sorry I was rude earlier. Here are the photos you asked for…”
Seconds later, he replied “K lang. Sayang naiimagine ko pa naman sinisisid ko pussy mo jan sa kama…”.
I felt a sudden surge of libog run through my whole body after reading that message. Nakahiga ako sa bed at that time at napatingin ako sa lower body ko… and suddenly I was picturing his ugly face between my legs. I clenched my face while questioning myself “What are you doing J….?”
Sobrang Init ko. My fingers were all trembling while typing in my reply; “Ok you win. Eat me lang. No kissing. No lights. No more proof. No other requests. Nothing except eat me lang. Uuwi kana after and then forget that we ever met…”
Soon enough he replied kaagad asking about my room number. Naghesitate nanaman ako but before eventually changing my mind again, I typed in the number in and hit the send button agad.
I’m done overthinking. There’s no turning back anymore…
Ch. 05: Turning a No into a Yes
I was a nervous wreck after sending him my room number… My heart was racing and I couldn’t even tell if I was feeling excited or having a panic attack. I’ve always been a straight arrow my entire life and I have never done such things to complicate my life. Both of my hands were in my face trying calm myself down a little bit and when the adrenaline started to subside, a huge groan came out of me. “What have I done?… this is stupid…” sigaw ng utak ko while slapping the bed out of frustration.
I got up and went to the toilet to slap some water sa face ko when suddenly I heard my phone ring and it was Dan. Honestly, I have no idea what to say so I just let it ring. He called a few more times and when I didn’t answer, he just sent me an SMS. Apparently, he can’t use the lift without a key card so he wanted me to pick him up sa looby.
No shit! I just realize na I still have an out pa pala to this situation. I can pretend na I didn’t get his message or I was sleeping na while waiting for him or something, etc any lame crappy excuses that I can think of.
It was then that my rational thought process came back at mejo nahimasmasan na rin ako. I was in my bed staring at my phone as I watched it ring over and over. I put my phone in mute and hid it under my pillow hoping to lessen the guilt I was having. I know that I fucked up sobra, pero I was doing the right thing for me. Paasa na kung paasa… I decided to take a long bath na lang in preparation to sleep. After 20-30 minutes I decided to check my phone at puro missed calls lang pero walang message. Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko “Umalis na sya siguro… buti naman…”
I checked my inbox again and maybe he did send me a message na hindi nag appear sa notifications and still no messages. I was lying in bed and trying to think about what could’ve happened. I feel terrible sa nagawa ko. I wanted to text him to at least make me feel better. Should I pretend na kunwari na late ko nareceive mga message nya? Should I tell him na next time nalang at magpaasa na naman? I messed up bigtime. I was asking myself “bakit ba ako urong sulong?”.
- Is it because of his connection with Christian? Not really. Eh ano naman diba? I wanted him to know pa nga na naka move-on na ako and enjoying life at maraming nagkakagusto sa akin.
- Is it because of my stupid morals and principles? I’ve never been careless and always been aware of the consequences of my actions. I grew up sticking into my beliefs kahit na there’s a part of me wanted to loosen up a little bit. Is it guilt about breaking them or maybe because I’m concerned about other people’s impression of me? There’s no one around so I’m not concerned about any backlashes and for some reason, I wasn’t feeling any guilt. It felt like I was waiting for the right moment to break free.
- Is this a perfect opportunity to break bad? Well, I’m in my hotel room all by myself. I’m pretty sure I won’t be coming back to SG anymore. This situation with Dan or Christian is something that I can escape when it’s over. I can back to my old ways and pretend that it didn’t happen. Hmm interesting…
- Is it because of his looks? Yeah, probably that’s it. In my deep fantasies, I’ve always envisioned myself na if ever I decided to hook-up for casual sex it’s going to be with a suave looking athletic type of guy. A decent looking boy with a killer sex appeal. Ika nga nila, If you gotta do wrong, do it right diba. Why would I settle for anything less?
Despite his rugged looks, Dan has this confidence that was somehow winning on me. Other than Christian, wala pang guy na may lakas ng loob na kausapin ako about sex let alone sabihin sa akin directly what he wanted to do to me sexually. Is that really enough to score a girl like me? I was way overthinking stuff too much. It’s not like I’ll end up marrying him or spend the rest of my life with this guy. I was still young then and about to enter my prime. I have all the time I need to find the right guy to spend my future with.
But for a ONS, do I really need to be picky in terms of looks? Well, it’s not like I’m going to parade him as a guy I hooked up with. Wala namang feature sa FB na magaappear na lang bigla sa timeline na “Dan just hooked-up with J” and then all of our friends are gonna see and judge me for it. (Black mirror idea! anyone?)
Well, there’s a good chance of Dan bragging to his friends about hooking up with me. Guys do that. I don’t care about their friends… I don’t know any of them and probably won’t see them ever again. I’m more concerned about Christian but why would I? I’m single and free to do whatever I want. Christian never introduced me as his ex-girlfriend anyway so Dan’s actions wasn’t breaking any of Barney’s Bro code (sort of).
Imagine the reaction from Christian when he finds out about me hooking up with Dan. Hmmm, let me rephrase that. Imagine the look on Christian’s face if he finds out na I allowed Dan to fuck the hell out of me.
Outside of my prudish exterior, I have an imaginative mind din when feeling naughty and turned on (yes, tao lang ako and I fantasize too). I’m not as pure as I appear at marami rin akong kalokohan na naiisip. I don’t think about sex that much but when I do, I can be rowdy as any person could be. Besides, nobody can judge you for your dirty thoughts as long as you just keep it to yourself. Sa mga actions ko lang naman ako maingat.
Along the way, I discovered that exhibitionism turned me on a little and in a way that it’s not about the frenzy of doing it in a public place or the excitement of getting caught, but rather the thrill of exposing my inner libog to certain someone and seeing their surprised reaction na I’m capable pala to do the things na sa tingin nila na hindi ko magagawa. A dose of a rude awakening. Not sure if exhibitionism sya pero a set of eyes seeing me in a different way kind of turns me on a little.
Habang nagmumuni muni, a message from Dan suddenly pops into my phone screen. It says; “Tingin ko nagbago nanaman isip mo pero oks lang naiintindihan ko, wag ka magworry….” with smiley face emoticon. Honestly, I was expecting him to be mad but he wasn’t. He was still being nice (or maybe at least pretending to one) despite na halos pinaasa at mukhang pinaglalaruan ko sya all night.
“I’m sorry Dan, hindi kasi ako sanay sa ganito tbh… I’m torn talaga but I cant…. alam mo naman kung bakit…” was all I could muster.
“At Least napa dalawang isip kita. Major accomplishment na yun!….” masayang reply pa rin nya.
“Haha. Well yeah, you almost… err…. basta..basta…” biro ko pa sa kanya.
“Almost na ano? na makantot kita? hehe…” direchahang reply nya.
There’s that bastos word again na hindi ko alam bakit malakas ang effect sa akin. Since harmless chat lang naman, I replied “Yup…” at least kahit sakyan ko na lang ang trip nya.
“Anong ‘yup’? sabihin mo!” reply ni Dan na mejo demanding. I keep replying “basta” and “basta yun na yun” at paulit ulit din sya sa pangungulit na sabihin ko ng buo yung gusto nyang marinig. Maarte ko syang sinagot in english pero he insisted na ulitin ko and this time in tagalog daw.
“Lol. Okay fine. Muntik mo na ako makantot. There! Happy?” Pataray ko pa rin na reply kahit na I’m starting to feel some arousal by our exchanges.
“No, sabihin mo name ko at wag yung napipilitan… sige na!” pangungulit pa rin nya.
I never had this kind of dirty convo with a guy before. Not even through messages or chats. I always feel icky when it comes to cyber or phone sex but I realized that this is the only courtesy that I can at least extend in return for the way na halos roller coaster ko syang pinapaasa all night.
I was imagining him at home na and jerking off to our exchanges. I kind of owe it to him na kahit papaano he can get some release through me without actually doing the deed. Besides chat lang naman, it’s not actually happening or me saying things for real. Just blah blah words composed by my fingers and it won’t mean anything. It’s safer pa so I decided to just play along. If things get out of hand, I can just pretend na I got offended and never reply to him again.
“Dan, you lucky guy, muntik mo na ako makantot…” reply ko then I teasingly added pa na “In fact, iniimagine ko ngayon na kinakantot mo ako…”
In my mind, I was only teasing and typing those words to help him get off. But I would be lying to myself if what I told him wasn’t true. There I was half-naked in my bed and pleasuring myself while picturing him right there on top of me.
“Taena talaga? Shit malibog ka rin pala….” his words were turning me on. “Nilalaro mo ba puke mo ngayon habang iniimagine mong niyayari kita?….” dagdag pa nya.
My libog blinded me sa mga kalye words nya. Not a single guy even dared to treat to me the way Dan do. Most suitors I had are either pa-cute at pa-sweet makipagusap. They asked me how my day was, if I already ate lunch, dinner, merienda etc, asked me about my sleep at wag daw magpapagutom… argh!. There’s a guy pa nga who uses poems as part of his everyday greeting sa akin.
On the other hand, Dan was cursing at me and not hesitating to tell me na malibog ako. Full-fledge na yung confidence nya maybe because he thought it was working and there was no objection coming from me. God damn, he’s right. Kuhang kuha na nya ako.
“Yup Dan you got me. You may not fuck me for real pero I swear to god na I’m here in my bed, playing with myself thinking of you and what could’ve happened…” I was saying or typing those words that never thought I was fully capable to express. Maybe malakas loob ko kasi chat lang? Regardless, I wasn’t holding myself back anymore.
“You have no idea how lucky you are… Not a single guy came close to break me….” dagdag ko pa.
“Hehe talaga? Hindi ka nila napalibog? Sige lang J… labas mo lang libog mo sa akin. Gusto mo ba sabihin ko ang plano ko sanang gawin sayo dyan sa room mo kung natuloy tayo…?” reply nya.
He then started telling me in detail how he’s gonna drag my tiny little body and fuck me at every corner of my room. He’s very detailed and he’s not suppressing himself sa mga words na sinasabi nya. He wasn’t even asking for permission if papayag ba ako to do this and that. Instead, he provided in great detail how he intends to fuck me for his own sarap. He assured to me na he won’t be gentle and will give me the royal fuck that I truly deserve (whatever that means). He’s gonna treat me daw like a slut, a personal pokpok, his freaking bitch.
OMG! Is he for real? What he told me was degrading and downright slavery. But that night I wasn’t in the right mind anymore to analyze the cruelty of what he just said. I wasn’t offended or crying foul to any of it na parang I truly deserved to be treated that way. In fact, my head was picturing every word he’s telling me. I wasn’t able to respond to him anymore at puro mga bastos na messages nalang nya ang pumuno ng chat window namin. My eyes were locked-in sa phone screen ko… fully absorbing every dirty kalye words coming from him while I finger myself closing into a monumental orgasm.
“Ano J gusto mo totohanin ko yan? Kantutin kita ng parang pokpok? Tell me! Pokpok ba kita?…” tirada pa ni Dan na tingin kong dalang dala na rin sa libog.
I didn’t even care what he looks like anymore or that he’s just a stranger that I just met a couple of days ago. This guy doesn’t deserve me and what we are doing were all against my prinsipyo… none of it matters to me anymore, I just don’t want it to end.
“Let’s do it for real. Pokpok mo na ako and I don’t care. Just fuck me for real…” Reply ko surrendering to libog,
A call notification suddenly popped into my screen and it was him trying to video call me. I was lying in bed, wearing a white Sando top with a black bikini type underwear down below. My legs are spread a little with a hand in between my legs.
I answered the call and hold my phone on top of me enough to show my face and chest/tummy area. My left arm was fully stretched holding my phone while my right hand was playing with my clit. I was biting my lower lip, trying to look seductive and tease him some more.
I thought he was calling me because he was about to cum na and wanted to see me before doing so. He appeared in to my phone screen and surprised to see him just seating on a very well lit room with white earphones on his ears. Muntik pa nga ako matauhan ulit after seeing him again. No offence pero physically he’s not really my type talaga.
He placed his earphone mic close to his mouth and said “Ulitin mo yung sinabi mo…. Gusto ko marinig sayo mismo…”
I froze in disbelief. Expressing myself through words on chat is one thing but he actually wanted me to say those words? with eye contact and all and with him watching me? Realizing that he was trying to put me in a situation where I’ve never been before, I started rubbing my pussy a little bit harshly and said “Sige…Let’s do it for real…”
“Ano kita? Sabihin mo sa akin….” He insisted in a very serious tone.
“Pokpok mo…” I answered ng paungol.
“Pokpok nino…?” still asking me with a straight face.
“Oh my god, gusto mo pa talaga sabihin ko….” I asked softly while parang obvious na sa cam window yung pag galaw ng right arm ko.
“Sige na, pokpok ka nino?” Seryoso pa rin nyang tanong.
“Alright… Pokpok mo na ako Dan. I don’t care anymore pero pokpok mo na ako. Yan ba gusto mong marinig?…” I blurted out na lang bigla not caring about the words I just said.
He smiled and he added “talaga? So paano pag taglibog ako, magpapakantot ka sa akin?”
I was about to reach my orgasm at wala na sa tamang katinuan when I said “Magpapakantot ako sayo Dan…”. I started to reach the point na feeling ko I meant those words I was saying and not because he was asking me to.
He insisted pa na “Managako ka nga na magpapakantot ka sa akin!…”
I can only assume I was drugged because what I did next was something I have no words for. I raised my right hand up sa cam in a swearing position, the same hand that I was rubbing my pussy with na parang I was showing him pa how wet I was at libog na libog kong sinabi na “I swear to God Dan, magpapakantot ako sayo…”
I never thought na aabot ako sa point na ganito. Na sasabihin ko yun sa guy na halos dalawang araw ko palang nakikilala. Even today while writing and recollecting what happened, I have no words on why I was behaving like a depraved slut. Bakit ako pumapayag? Ang dami kong options. Bakit sa kanya pa?
I saw him stood up and started walking towards what seems like a corridor. He’s holding the phone down so I couldn’t see anything except his pants and the floor. I was so confused on what’s going on so I kept asking him “saan ka?… saan ka?” and then he stopped, tinutok nya phone sa face nya ulit and said “Kanina pa ako nakatambay sa lift lobby ng floor mo…. Nakisabay lang ako sa ibang guests para makaakyat”.
“Kung totoo yang sinasabi mo. Open mo yung door. Tama na arte. Totohanin na natin….” dagdag pa nya.
I ended the call right away. I hurried to the door wearing just my sando and underwear. I dimmed the lights a little bit then sinilip ko sya sa door keyhole. His ugly distorted face appeared. I took a deep breath with words “Oh my God…” screaming inside my fucked up brain and then I heard him knocked again.
I opened the door not knowing what about to happen will change my life forever…
