Ch.1 – The next day
I woke up the next day relishing in the best rest that I had in a very long time. There’s a feeling of such contentedness and satisfaction as if my whole world were just sooo right. In fact, hindi ko na maalala kung kailan yung last time na I slept so deeply and waking up with a calm and peaceful feeling.
Despite that serene feeling, yung buong katawan ko naman parang ang bigat. I tried lifting any body part pero I couldn’t… my entire katawan feels so sore at hindi ko mai-angat yung sarili ko. You know that feeling na you woke up the next morning after doing a 30k marathon without doing any prep work prior? similar aching feeling. I gave up na lang and decided to stay in bed and rest all day.
I realized na I slept fully naked pala in which I have never done before. I began to recollect what happened the night before. Everything seems to be hazy but then I felt something weird and dry feeling around my face and chest area. “Oh shit!” dun lang nagregister sa utak ko yung nangyari kagabi.
“Oh shit… shit …shit…. no way” I told myself in horror as I covered my face with my hands in full regret. I felt my stomach twist and my mind was racing… it’s all coming back to me. The more I was trying to calm myself na okay lang yung nangyari, mas lalo pa akong hindi mapakali.
I remember how it all began with an innocent pretend date that led Dan to accompany me all the way to my hotel (Details here). How my guilt for turning him down the last minute culminates into an insane sex chat. How can I forget when he told me that he never left the hotel while I was so high in libog that sealed it for me. (Details here).
I began to reminisce how Dan finger fucked me while naka-open yung door ng hotel room ko (Details here) and showed me through simple touches and bastos words can turn up my libog switch (Details here). How I teased him by playing myself in front of him and how he licked my entire body and that lasting image of my katawan hanging ng nangingisay as I cummed hard sa bibig nya (Details here).
Then flashbacks of his big cock in my hand and how he persuaded my unwilling mind to ride his cock (Details here) at yung feeling nung unang pasok nya sa pussy ko. How I fucked my whole being to that cock while kausap namin sa phone si Christian.
I remember letting him fuck me in front of the window for everyone to see and beg to be fucked over and over. I remember the biggest orgasm I had ever experienced while marking me as his bitch by marking my face and upper body ng tamod nya (Details here).
I remember everything. Hindi sya panaginip lang. Nangyari talaga sya.
Naalala ko na I slept all night with his cum still dripping in my face and my body. I savoured the feeling instead na mandiri. I remember wanting that feeling to last kaya I didn’t even bother to clean it up. I was a mess yet ang sarap ng tulog ko. It all felt normal like having a guy’s cum dripping in my face felt like a typical beauty product that I regularly put on. Instead na magsisi at mandiri, a part of me felt some sort of surrender na parang tinatanggap ko na lang yung nangyari.
When suddenly I heard a loud ring just next to my bedside table and it was the hotel reception calling me. “Badtrip naman!” nasabi ko sa pa sarili ko. My eyes are shut pa habang inaabot ko yung hotel phone sa right side ko.
“Hello!?” I said na mejo half irritated.
The reception told me na there’s a guy named Christian waiting for me at the lobby. They wanted to check with me na kung ok lang daw ba sa akin if he can come up straight to my room as a guest. Mejo groggy pa ako and wasn’t used to the Singaporean accent by the reception lady so I said yes na lang before hanging up the phone.
I checked my phone and yep, Christian was calling me multiple times na pala. I wasn’t even bothered that I kept him waiting but I was more bothered about not receiving any message or call from Dan. Nakahiga pa rin ako sa bed trying to warm up my brain then I pushed myself to sit up and saw my room in full of mess.
Evidence of what happened last night was everywhere. My sando and panties and a few pillows are on the floor. Ang gulo gulo ng bedsheets and of course, I myself looked like a fucking wreck.
I realized that I made a mistake of letting Christian to come directly to my room. So, I hurried to try to tidy up the room but it was too late na as I heard him knocking na kaagad. I wore whatever I could find and wiped that dried tamod off my skin and hurried myself to open the door.
Christian greeted me agad as I let him enter my room. He wondered around and joked pa na for a girl e sobrang makalat daw ako sa bahay. He brought some homemade ‘tapsilog’ that he cooked for me… the very same comfort food na dinadala nya sa house namin back then when I was doing my college thesis. He’s indeed a very sweet guy and I wasn’t sure how to act normal around him anymore especially after what happened last night.
Suddenly, a flashback of what Dan said last night creeps into my head when I saw Christian unpacking the food containers while sitting at the sofa bed. “Breakfast breakfast pa syang nalalaman e titi lang kailangan mo!…”
Just the thought of it made me smile for some reason while staring in blank over to where Christian was seating at. All I could think of is that he’s seating at the very same sofa bed na kung saan naka bent over ako last night as Dan royally fucks me like a dog.
“Alam mo ba unit namin yan?…” I heard Christian said sabay turo sa labas ng window.
I snapped back to reality as I almost blurted the word “Shit!” out of panic. Sinilip ko agad yung tinuturo nya and felt some sort of relief after realizing na malayo naman pala yung unit nya.
“So… you can see my room pala galing sa unit nyo?” I curiously asked him.
“Siguro, jan lang kami oh…” sabay turo kung saan yung window nila.
“Pasilip silip nga ako kagabi eh….Hindi mo kasi sinasagot yung phone mo…nag aalala na ako…” dagdag pa nya “Gusto na nga kita puntahan dito sa hotel at baka kasi kung ano na nangyari sayo…”
That’s when I realized na if Dan didn’t dare to answer his call last night, malamang silip pa rin sya ng silip sa window nila. There’s a good chance he might see a silhouette of 2 people having wild crazy monkey sex in front of the window… having no idea na it’s me, his ex-girlfriend na binabanatan ng friend nya. Or he might come over and ask the hotel staff to open my door at malalaman nya din eventually na kasama ko si Dan sa room. Either way, it was a disaster waiting to happen.
“Bakit ka naman nagaalala. Okay lang ako, you dont have to worry about me…” sabi ko. “Plus safe naman dito, kaya ko naman sarili ko”
I can tell by his reactions na disappointed sya for not relying on him anymore.
“Sa totoo lang nagwoworry lang ako sa pinost ni Dan sa group chat namin na magkasama kayo” sagot nya. “Unang pumasok sa isip ko e pumayag ka na sumama sa unggoy na yun.”
Then inulit nya ulit yung mga pinagsasabi nya kagabi sa phone about kay Dan. He made a mistake daw na hindi nya pinaalam sa group nila na naging kami. He felt that the timing ain’t right during our ‘Gluttons Bay’ dinner to introduce me as his ex tapos kasama pa namin si Nat (his current girlfriend).
Kwento pa nya na na after I left the table during our dinner nagpaalam daw agad si Dan in front of the group na popormahan ako. Hindi na daw sya makareact since katabi nya si Nat pero confident naman daw sya na hindi ko papatulan si Dan kaya hinayaan nya lang (Details here). He wasn’t bothered daw until nakita nya na nagshare si Dan ng photo na magkasama kami last night na gumigimik sa Clark Quay (Details here).
“Ano ba sabi ni Dan sa inyo?” I asked him, curious if Dan said something to them after what happened between us.
“Wala naman. Alam naman nya wala syang maiyayabang. Kaya pinagtatawanan yun eh…” reply nya. “Tinawagan ko pa nga sya bago kita nakausap. Ramdam ko na hiyang hiya sya na wala syang maiyayabang haha…” sabay tawa nya.
Christian wasn’t aware na I was listening to that convo last night. Alam ko na gusto ni Dan iyabang na he got me, pero I refused so hindi nya tinuloy. What Christian didn’t know na while kausap nya si Dan sa phone, I was half-naked and super libog na libog while pleasuring myself in front of the guy he referred to as ‘unggoy’ (Details here).
“Pero J, weird… I got jealous na nalaman ko na pinopormahan ka ng iba…lalo na nung nalaman ko na magkasama kayo na gumimik, akala ko talaga nag-date kayo…” he confessed.
“Why are you jealous? hindi naman na tayo. Besides I feel weird nga sa mga effort mo sa akin lalo na may girlfriend ka na pala… don’t get me wrong, na appreciate ko lahat pero unfair lang kay Nat, kaya hindi na kita iniistorbo” sabi ko.
“Hindi ko din alam e. I can’t shake this feeling na parang na-miss kita” sabi nya. “Since naghiwalay tayo parang walang closure, kasi magkalayo tayo at hindi man lang kita nakita. Napwersa nalang ako mag move-on kasi parang gusto mo na din maging single. Sobrang lungkot ko nun ng ilang buwan kasi ginawa ko naman lahat ng gusto mo nung tayo pa.” Explanation pa nya.
“Hindi kita mapakilala sa tropa kasi ayoko malaman nila na ikaw yung girl na I couldn’t move on from. Feeling emasculated ako nung tayo pa dahil diba ikaw lagi nasusunod, tapos ako pa din lagi ang habol ng habol sayo. Ayoko na malaman nila na ikaw yun. So to save face hindi ko nalang pinagsabi…” dagdag pa nya.
That was a heartfelt confession drove straight into my hopeless romantic soul. He’s such a good person and I know for a fact na minahal nya din ako ng sobra. Pero I was a little bit surprised na may lingering feelings pa rin pala sya sa akin kahit matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita. I was kind of expecting it naman kahit papaano pero nakakagulat pa din considering na may ibang girlfriend na sya.
“Careful, may girlfriend ka na…” sabi ko while smiling to lighten up our ma-dramang convo.
“I know….Alam ko naman yun… I’m just saying lang na if bibigyan ako ng hypothetical choice between you or Nat, I’ll choose you in a heartbeat…” He said while smiling din.
“So please, let me be part of your limited time dito sa SG, magleleave ako at ito-tour kita, anything… gusto lang kita makasama. Once bumalik ka na dito for good, I hope na settle ko na what I need to settle to be available sayo…” dagdag nya. “Yun lang eh if you feel the same way about me…”
I suddenly felt a little guilty sa mga nangyari just the night prior. I blushed as I can see the sincerity in his face. I have a lot of options in terms of dating pero in my mind, he’s always been the guy who truly deserves to win me. It’s just that the timing ain’t right because he’s already dating somebody else na and then I made the situation a lot worse pa lalo dahil sa nangyari sa amin ni Dan.
If only he’d confess about his feelings like a day earlier, sana na avoid ko pa yung nangyari kay Dan. But it’s already too late. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling excited about him anymore and all my lingering feelings are gone. I do feel guilty because he sounded serious na gusto nya ako balikan but the feeling wasn’t mutual. My vicious mind was telling me, “Ano ako, back-up plan nya?”
At that time if I was given naman a hypothetical choice between getting back together with Christian or just a fucking session with Dan, honestly think I might choose the latter. That’s how corrupted my mind was and how low I have fallen. Yung dating J who viewed by many as every guy’s girlfriend material chooses to be just fuck toy to somebody like Dan.
“So ano, tara na USS tayo. Sunday ngayon, late na marami ng tao dun” Christian said to break the silence kasi nagmuni muni lang ako and didn’t actually respond sa confession nya.
“Uhm siguro wag na lang muna today, gusto ko sana magpahinga all day, masakit katawan ko eh..” I said while moving gingerly. Dan fücked me so good that I could barely move or even walk after. Although I needed rest to recuperate, may iba pa talaga akong dahilan. To some extent, I prefer to stay available just in case Dan calls me back and wishes to come and visit me again… I know for sure that he will, jackpot kaya sya sa akin… so at least I wanted to clear my schedule for the day.
“Ano ba nangyari sayo?” He asked while wondering why I was having trouble moving around.
I remember looking at him like I wanted to sarcastically ask him na “Sure ka gusto mo malaman?…”
“Sobrang pagod lang kakapasyal at kakalakad.. Then I had cramps pa every few minutes last night. I need to stay hydrated lang siguro” safe answer ko.
There’s a part of me wanted to brag about what happened last night. How I wish I can tell him the reason I feel so tender is because of the rude kantot that Dan just given me. I wanna stress out in detail how roughly my pussy was destroyed with his big cock at iyabang ko sa kanya how my little tiny treasured body was built pala for merciless pounding.
Pwede ko ba sabihin sa kanya na “Heey! kinantot pala ako ni Dan last night and I let him cum in my face… and yep, I enjoyed every single moment of it while you are at home realizing na may feelings ka pa pala sa akin…” Would telling him that makes it any better?
Of course, it’s all in my head lang. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko iniisip yun. Bakit ko naeenjoy na wala syang kaalam alam sa nangyari and yet somehow gusto ko din ipaalam sa kanya. How can I think of such merciless things to someone who hasn’t done anything wrong sa akin. Just a few days prior I was full of hope about the possibility of seeing him again and maybe getting back together… then last night happened and suddenly I have no remorse whatsoever. Narealize ko lang na I’m capable pala to be someone’s worst nightmare kung gugustuhin ko lang. Am I really that evil?
“Oo naman, bilhan kita ng medicine, I’ll bring some more food pa para di mo na kailangan lumabas…” he said habang inaalalayan nya ako pabalik ng bed. Hiniga nya ako and he told me to rest lang and if I needed something, i-message ko lang daw sya.
After a while, umalis na din sya. He’s acting as if we were BF/GF kami na parang I’m his girl that he should be taking care of. I have no reason to be guilty and yet it was torture to see him trap me with his confession and then treat me so nicely. As if somehow I was the villainous one cheating on him with Dan. Did I forget to mention we are not together anymore and he’s already dating someone else?
I just laid in the bed all day lang thinking of the situation I was in. “Bahala silang lahat, hindi na ako babalik dito..” I recall telling myself while getting tired na of trying to find a way to work it out.
Christian went back to my hotel after lunch. Sinamahan nya ako throught the day until umuwi na din sya after dinner. The entire day went by pero ni isang message or call wala akong nareceive kay Dan. I kept on checking my phone every few minutes like a clingy MF. Kapag nakikita ko na online sya sa FB, parang nagreready ako na baka magmessage na sya… and then he won’t… arghh! I swear, it drove me insane.
“As if ako pa magpaparamdam sa kanya…kapal nya, bahala sya…” pagmamalaki ko pa sa sarili ko.
But I couldn’t help to wonder what went wrong. Did I do something to turn him off? Hindi ba sya nag enjoy? Shit sya! There are so many guys who are so into me, feeling gwapo ba sya? He should be grateful na pumatol ako sa kanya.
Despite that hindi pa rin ako mapakali. Parang ganun ganun na lang ba yun? I heard that saying “Wham bam thank you mam” and what? that’s it? He told me na gagawin nya lang ako parausan nya. Did he really mean that? A guy like him treating a girl like me as parausan lang? I know na I don’t deserve that but maybe some bitter guys do. I mean I’ve been turning down guys, paasa and rejecting them because feeling ko I always deserved better. I think so highly about myself and that I hold the power and control over anyone.
So much for being picky, I got humbled by Dan. I felt so down after recalling the promise I made for myself na hinding hindi ako mabibiktima ng kahit na sinong lalaki. How Dan exploited my vulnerability and was able to get through me despite humiliating me with his words was unreal. He didn’t have to pretend or lie just to get me into bed as other predators do. No awkward sweet talk or courtship or anything. How he managed to release my inner libog without even forcing me was a masterclass. He played me like a violin all night. So f*ckin graceful.
He literally used me for pleasure lang. Yung body na ini-ingatan ko all my life was just used para magpasarap lang ng titi ng lalaki. I hated the thought of it, pero that’s what really happened eh. I get it now why he referred to me as ‘pokpok’ and not to hammer on my humiliation further… but because maybe that’s what I really am to him… a pussy to fuck at parausan lang. If that’s true then I’m the worst kind dahil I’m the pokpok who did it for free.
Fine! kahit for pleasure at libog lang… why is he not calling me? Bakit hindi sya nagpaparamdam? Masyado ba akong maarte? A lot of questions kept running inside my head.
I was browsing on my phone to distract myself when I stumbled upon a streaming porn site and decided to check it out. I watched a few and found myself imagining as the girl on the video being fucked senselessly. Picturing myself being roughly fucked on different positions wasn’t exactly the distraction I needed.
I stumbled upon a blowjob scene in which I ordinarily find disgusting… pero that time pinanood ko talaga sya. Flashbacks of Dan make tutok his cock sa face ko while I was in an orgasmic state… I recall how my lips just reacted on its own and letting his cock penetrate inside my mouth. Before I used to find it so ewww or yucky but last night was different. Hindi ako nandiri or nag a-arte arte. Somehow I was in autopilot at sinipsip ko pa yung head ng titi nya. What the F*ck right?
It seems that deep inside my twisted subconscious mind, it was natural thing to do. Na parang I was born with an automated instinct to allow every cock infiltrate my mouth. I promised myself over and over na I will never ever ‘eveeeer‘ do blowjobs and I meant it… but somehow it’s killing me na there are things in life I have literally no control of… kahit ano pang isigaw ng prinsipyo ko.
Some are gifted with athletic ability to play sports and some are inbred with creative minds to innovate. The successful ones are those who do things that were natural to them.
My entire life I brainwashed myself to abhor giving head. What if my lips and mouth are really meant for sucking cocks. What if magpasarap ng lalaki is what I’m actually good at. What if I’ve been trying to contradict what I was truly designed and programmed to be… a natural born cocksucker. After being awakened, I realized that there’s no escaping destiny and at some point I have to accept the inevitable.
I watched that scene intently, how the girl does it pati yung reaction nung guy. All along, I thought that men enforce blowjobs to empower women. Pero sa pinapanood ko, it seems like it is the other way around. That pornstar chic has the power! sya yung nag cocontrol at yung lalaki pa yung helpless begging for her to continue.
I watched several other videos such as masturbation, striptease, outdoor sex, cheating, group sex etc.. all those that I never dared to watch before. I used to think they were too extreme and only for wild perverted people… but now I couldn’t help but imagine myself being in those kinds of grotesque situations and doing crazy things that everyone (including me) thought I’m not supposed to or capable to do. Little by little nawawala na yung limitations ko na parang I wanted to try them all.
All these thoughts running through my head while I watched those dirty videos certainly bring me agad to libog state. I’m in a hotel room just by myself. I wasn’t home so there’s nothing to distress about my sister or my parents hearing me or somebody barging into my room. I ended up pleasuring myself over and over while completely naked sa bed ko… as in leg spread and moaning like crazy na kahit mejo OA for someone doing masturbation lang.
I didn’t care as I never had such privacy before. I wasn’t doing it just to get a quick release, I let it all out without any inhibitions na parang there’s a camera right in front of me and filming a masturbation scene.
“Shit ka Dan, what have you done to me..” I recall talking to myself just before a huge orgasm started tearing my entire body.
********
Ch.2 – Moving on (?)
I wasted days just hanging out sa hotel lang while waiting for any message, call or kahit anong paramdam galing kay Dan. I was bored and yet ayokong lumabas or mamasyal. I was so desperate to move on pero my mind wasn’t cooperating. One minute I’ll be fine then bigla ko nanaman maalala yung nangyari and back to square one nanaman ako.
What happened was such a huge deal for me. Sure, that wasn’t my first sex pero I don’t do this…this kalokohan… I don’t do one night stands or casual sex or whatever… I’ve always been straight edge and was never reckless or wild. I lived a stress free life and nothing ever bothers me at kung meron naman, I can normally let things go quite easily. What the ‘fork’ happened?
Christian often checks on me and wonders what’s wrong at bakit daw parang wala daw akong gana. He’s making kulit na sabihan ko lang daw sya and he will take a leave from work at samahan ako to show me around Singapore. He’s making efforts pero I lost any interest na talaga sa kanya. Something has changed. I’m starting to lose empathy. I know naman na we all have self-centered nature regardless if we show them or not… pero I never knew I have sociopath tendencies pala.
Carrying this huge secret wasn’t really much of a burden as I thought it would be. No more guilt feelings. In fact, Whenever having a chat with Christian or seeing him when he drops by… I got a kick out of this feeling of being deceitful behind his back na parang I want him around and chase me pa lalo. Lunatic lang. Well I wasn’t technically cheating on him kasi hindi naman kami talaga.
I also got some random “kamusta” messages from other guys- some from old & current suitors and some from guys na mga nagpaparamdam. After a few yadda yadda chats with them, feeling ko bigla na parang may kulang na sa kanila… na parang they were acting way too nice sa akin. Sure, maybe that’s the normal approach naman talaga or baka they are being extra cautious with how they interact with me. Suddenly, I don’t fancy the pa-safe act anymore. Parang mas nagiging prefer ko na yung mga lalaking kagaya ni Dan… guys with outspoken demeanour, blunt and direct. A guy who’s not afraid to offend a girl. Hashtag ‘antiMetooMovement’ lang.
I wasn’t asking naman for guys na bastusin ako directly. No girl wants that… I just wanted them to be real. Maybe some of them are at likas lang na mabait and others are being maingat to level with me. Gets ko naman yun… but the lack of ‘aggressiveness’ really frustrates me. Kailangan pa ba sa akin pa mang galing yung initiative? Kailangan pa bang maging malandi ang image ko so that guys wouldn’t hesitate to think na malibog din ako? Ano sila sinuswerte? Mageffort sila…
Maybe not all guys are like Dan, who swings for the fences and is not afraid to fail. Hindi siguro lahat ng lalaki may confidence to speak their minds. I’m irate by guys na sobrang protective sa image nila. They wanted to make sure na interested sa kanila yung girl before formally manligaw or dumiskarte. I’m a millennial but somehow old-fashioned. I enjoy being chased since sobrang reserved kong tao.
I finally gave up on waiting after a few days of not hearing anything from Dan and feeling sorry for myself. Tinaggap ko na lang na maybe it’s all part of being single. I accepted na it’s all my fault for letting my guard down and getting victimized for a one night hookup. My huge ego was hit as I couldn’t believe na naisahan ako ng lalaki and was used ng ganun ganun lang. I was so angry at myself but more insanely mad at Dan for leaving me hanging. That anger helped my confidence back kahit papano.
I woke up na lang one day, feeling ashamed sa nangyari at nangyayari sa akin so I went back on track and decided to move on. I needed myself to go back to where I was and it happened na lang organically. I charged what happened na lang to experience and never let it affect me anymore.
I’ve come to realized na I have four days left na lang pala sa SG so ayoko ng ubusin ang araw ko just mopping around and relishing our encounter na hindi naman na mangyayari ulit. I took Christian’s offer to show me around SG and as expected, nag-leave kaagad sya sa office nila para samahan ako sa mga lakad.
We spent an entire day at Singapore Zoo and Night Safari then he surprised me with plane tickets for a day trip to Kuala Lumpur the next day. It was a sweet gesture but of course ginawa nya yun to spend time with me without worrying na baka may ibang makakita sa amin. Regardless, na-appreciate ko yung effort talaga nya to win me back. We spent the entire day in KL and somehow being occupied with the travel helped to get my mind off things.
Feeling ko I haven’t done anything sensible during my entire Singapore visit. I got myself tangled pa in to a messy 3rd party situation between Christian and Nat. Christian probably thought he was cheating on Nat with me where in fact I was cheating on him with Dan. Terrific! Ang masama pa, wala naman talaga akong planong makipagbalikan sa kanya. I was probably just using him (hated that word) to get over things with Dan and regain my mojo back. Believe it or not, it’s actually working. I felt like my old self again.
Fun fact: Dan secretly tried to work his magic with Nat a few years prior but got turned down hard. They all remained friends though pero somehow it explains the hidden hostility between him and Christian. I’m getting sidetracked so let’s get back to the story.
Having a guy chase after me really helped get my confidence back to where it was. Wala ng gumugulo sa isip ko. I accepted what happened and learned from it. I’m not some pokpok or a slut. I’m not some parausan or whatever Dan referred to me as such. I’m desirable with a kick-ass career. Guys are treating me like a princess and walking on eggshells around me. A single mistake doesn’t define who I am. I had an incredible sex and it’s casual one-time thing by two consenting adults. Yun lang yun. Nothing special. It’s over… it’s done…
It was Friday once again, week-versary of being rudely awakened lol. I was scheduled to fly back to Manila the next day so I spent the entire morning getting my stuff ready as I hate stress packing. After lunch, I decided to do some last minute shopping for pasalubongs and stroll around the stretch of malls in the Orchard area. Christian was at work when he called me basically inviting me for a farewell dinner with a few of his friends.
My heart literally jumped. I stuttered like I was guilty of murdering someone. I was so over Dan and never thought of having any chance to see him again… pero sobrang concerned ako na baka nandun sya. I don’t know, hindi ko matanong… ang sabi lang ni Christian eh kasama mga friends nya…
‘Shit! Is he gonna be there?’ was all I could think of habang wala sa sarili habang naglalakad. I made such huge progress of moving-on sa nangyari tapos eto ako affected nanaman. I could’ve said no to the invite so that I don’t have to deal with Dan anymore… but I didn’t. Not after ignoring me ng ganun ganun nalang. This is probably my only chance and I wanted him to regret what he did to me.
I can feel sensations of blood rushing through me out of spite. I immediately went shopping for expensive clothes to wear that night. I was eyeing this pricey pink sleeveless buttoned top na nakita ko earlier that afternoon so I went back to that shop and bought it agad without any hesitation whatsoever. I hurried back to my hotel and prep myself for God knows how long. I wanna look desirable and pretty. He’s going to pay for ghosting me.. If nandun nga si Dan, I won’t even say anything or even look at him or his way. I’ll be brutally cold like he never ever existed.
I was running late sa dinner dahil nga sa tagal ng pagaayos ko. Christain texted me na naka upo na daw sila so he messaged me the resto location at pumunta nalang daw ako dun. The entire cab ride halos umiikot yung utak ko kakaisip. My hands are trembling out of anxiety yet my hurting ego was giving me enough confidence and adrenaline.
I got lost pa while looking for the resto. Hindi ako maka-focus at feeling ko I kept running in circles so I messaged Christian and asked him na sunduin na lang ako. Nagulat pa sya when he saw me sabay comment na I looked adorable daw. He’s probably assuming na I dressed up at nagpapaganda for him.
The trail leading to the resto was nerve wracking. Naka ready na sana yung taray face ko while approaching the entryway pero I was bewildered when I saw my SG based college friends greeting me with pure joy at biruan. It’s a surprise farewell dinner pala arranged by Christian for me. Another sweet gesture. I was all smiles and hugging them pero deep inside I was disappointed to see that none of Christian’s friends were present.
I don’t know why pero I was hoping Dan to be there. I mean there’s no way naman talaga for Christian to arrange anything that involves him. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to see him again and not in a vindictive manner I had prior. Maybe my motivation to dress up and look pretty wasn’t all about retribution. Perhaps a part of me wanted to captivate him again and have another wild night before leaving for good.
Despite the let down, masaya naman yung dinner. I was surrounded by good and fun peeps and we were all having a wonderful time. It was sort of our mini-reunion so, chikahan to the max, taking pictures and posting them on FB. Christian avoided to be part of any photos, maybe because ayaw nya malaman ni Nat na magkasama kami. He volunteered to be our photographer since he wasn’t part of our class group. The dinner was so much fun and served a much needed distraction… I even forgot pa nga why I was upset earlier.
Halos lahat sila were teasing me and Christian to get back together. Christian was obviously enjoying the tuksuhan while I was being a sport at sumasakay na lang din ako. Probably wasn’t the best idea considering Christian may assume na fully on board ako na magkabalikan kami. We were in the middle of that ‘balikan’ topic when I saw my phone lit up with a preview of a new viber message appearing on my screen.
It was Dan.
All of a sudden I was frozen on my seat and turned deaf. Everything went slow motion at wala na akong naintindihan sa mga biruan nila. My arms were numb yet I managed pa rin to calmly swipe my phone screen and read the message;
“Nakita ko pics mo sa FB, tangina J ang ganda mo talaga…”
Sensations of blood rushing through my entire body while trying to think what to do next. My hearing went back and I heard my friends yelling na halatang halata daw na kinikilig ako dahil sa pamumula ng mukha ko. I smiled ng mejo pilit at mas lalo pa nilang iniisip na I was reacting to their banter about Christian… little do they know it wasn’t ‘kilig’ for Christian. Instead I was blushing after finally hearing from Dan for over a week.
I kept on smiling and laughing, pretending to be part of the conversation pero sa totoo lang, halos lumilipad na yung utak ko. I waited till the bantering stopped and then I picked up the phone again then started thinking what to do next.
I-ignore ko nalang ba?… Omg YES!, that’s the plan anyway by giving him his own medicine. Pero hindi pa rin ako mapakali. Feeling ko I should say something to make myself feel better. I wanted to reply with something brutal like “huh” or capital letter “K” pero I decided to write something clever since via viber naman yung message nya.
“Hu u?” short reply ko implying na he’s not in my contacts anymore at nakalimutan ko na kung sino sya.
I kept on checking my phone for his reply like crazy. “Dapat talaga hindi na ako nagreply, ako pa ngayon ang napaparanoid…” sabi ko pa sa sarili ko. My phone was laid upside down on a table when it started to vibrate. My heart was racing because I know it’s from Dan. I turned my phone discreetly and honestly after reading the preview message, I should’ve ignored it completely na lang sana.
“Libog na libog kang nagpakantot sa akin last week tapos hindi mo na agad ako maalala?…Grabeh!…“
That message alone sent shockwaves sa katawan ko. It was so forking rude and bastos and yet I wasn’t upset… I should feel offended pero I wasn’t. I badly missed his candor and his outspoken nature pero I can’t let him get through me just like that… not with a simple crude message like that. No way he’s gonna win me over again.
“Nope sorry, wrong number!” reply ko.
Seconds later I received a photo message from him. The preview photo was blurred so I clicked to see what it was. It’s a close-up photo of his fully erected huge cock with a caption “Sure ka wrong number ako?…”
His dick pic occupied my entire phone screen so I panicked at in-off ko agad phone ko then excused myself to the toilet. I went inside and opened my phone and there it was… Dan’s enormous cock was filling my entire screen. I’ve seen it up close and personal yet I was mesmerized pa rin. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.
I felt my heart pounding in my chest habang titig na titig sa photo na sinend nya. Flashbacks of that cock stretching my pussy wider than it has ever been. I started to remember how big it was, how it felt and how I cummed hard habang labas pasok sya pussy ko. Then I started talking to myself like a crazy person.
“J, what the fuck… what’s wrong with you?… Okay ka na e… delete that photo and move on idiot!!!”
I decided to write a simple burn reply just to get over with it.
“Yup wrong person. Wrong number. Bye!”
I waited for his reply for a few minutes and when he didn’t, I decided to go back with the group nalang. Earlier I was confident, ready to make Dan regret and pay for what he did to me. I actually accomplished it somehow… and yet it didn’t feel good. I didn’t get the closure that I needed. Parang may panghihinayang pa nga. Yep, ako pa yung nagsisisi.
Christian wasn’t at our table when I returned. A few minutes later, he came back to say goodbye and wished all of us a great night. A few of his friends daw were on the other side of the mall having dinner din and he’d like to join them. As soon as he excused himself, nagkayayaan na rin lahat na mag uwian. Christian, just being polite I guess, asked me if I wanna join him with his friends. I was hesitant at first but I’d be lying if I wasn’t curious kung kasama nila dun si Dan so I said yes. We said our goodbyes to my friends and then we went straight to the resto bar where his friends are hanging out.
“Oo nga pala, hindi ko pa sinasabi sa kanila na ex kita ah..” Christian said while naglalakad kami papunta sa bar.
“Mga friends din kasi yan ni Nat, naging ka-close ko lang din sila dahil din sa kanya” dadgdag pa nya. “Ayaw rin kasi ipaalam ni Nat na naging tayo…”
“Oh I see… don’t you think it’s a bad idea na magkasama tayo tapos kasama pa natin friends mo?” tanong ko.
“Nat is cool naman na minsan ipapasyal pasyal kita. Alam nun na friends lang tayo” sabi nya ng nakatawa.
“Sa totoo lang mas gusto nun na ganito, kasama natin ang mga tropa para may bantay ako haha… ayaw lang ni Nat ipaalam na naging tayo…” dagdag pa nya
“So anong sabi mo sa kanila about me, hindi ba sila nagdududa?” tanong ko pa.
“Nagdududa nga eh hehe. Ang iniisip nila e may gusto ako sayo kaya ingat na ingat din ako at hindi ako nagpapahalata at ma-chismis pa at makarating kay Nat…” explain pa nya.
“Gusto ka kasi pormahan ng mga yun kaya ang sinabi ko e tropa ko yung ex-boyfriend mo at off-limits ka kasi in the process of getting back together kayo hehe!…” sabay kindat pa nya.
He’s actually referring to himself on that last sentence and he’s assuming na magkakabalikan talaga kami. I wasn’t even committing to anything, in fact, quiet lang ako every time he’s trying to bring that up. He’s assuming because sumasama ako sa kanya lately which is my fault din. But I wasn’t interested to any of the things na gusto nyang palabasin sa mga friends nya.
My heart was pounding as we walked closer and closer sa table ng mga friends ni Christian. My eyes were actively wandering around, looking for Dan, pero he wasn’t there. Only four of Christian’s friends na nameet ko nung Makansutra dinner lang ang nandun. Twice in a row of having an emotional roller coaster ride between relief and disappointment of knowing na hindi nila kasama si Dan. Perhaps my mind had enough of anticipation and disappointments, I suddenly blurted a question that’s been hovering me all day;
“Kamusta pala si Dan, bakit hindi nyo sya kasama?..” I asked them out of the blue sabay parang nahiya ako sa tanong ko.
“Not sure eh hindi na nagpaparamdam gaano…” sagot ni Jeff. He’s the most gwapo of the group. I’ll tell you guys more about him later.
Perhaps being the only girl over that dinner has put a spotlight on me. I was the focus of all conversation. Jeff was being funny, witty and mejo flirty. I caught Jeff giving me a glimpse while the other two were staring. They were asking for my contacts, social accounts and they wondered about kung single ako etc… pero I played it up with Christian’s story so I told them lang na single ako but not fully available. I can sense na mejo uncomfortable din si Christian sa mga biruan kaya he’s being protective sa akin… telling them na I’m picky, mataas ang standards and more into serious relationships etcetera…
There’s another guy named Brian and he kept asking me questions about Dan. He’s curious daw if Dan and I really went on a date. I was blushing yet nakasimangot yung face ko to show na mejo naiirita ako sa pangungulit nya… WTH is this guy asking me all of a sudden about Dan? Brian explained it naman na nagpapaalam daw kasi si Dan sa group na popormahan ako tapos biglang wala na daw nangyari or balita. He’s asking me kung ano daw ba yung nangyari…
Christian interrupted and basically answered the question for me. He told them nagyayabang lang daw si Dan na kesyo pinalabas pa nya sa tropa na magka-date kami dahil sa picture namin, pero yung totoo talaga eh accidental meet-up lang yung nangyari. I was staring at Christian in disbelief habang sinasabi nya yun. Clueless pa rin talaga sya sa totoong nangyari that night.
Watching them continue their tirade and make fun of Dan’s chances sa akin was entertaining so to speak. Kaya daw tuloy hindi na nagpapakita at nagpaparamdam si Dan sa kanila dahil puro porma at nabuko daw yung kayabangan nya. Gosh kung alam lang talaga nila…
Brian was sitting in front of me at pangiti ngiti lang. He’s not really making fun of Dan pero he laughs and agrees with the group. I can tell na he’s more closer to Dan than anyone from their group pero nakikisama lang din sya sa biruan. They went on and on with their banter when suddenly I felt my phone vibrate inside my bag. I grabbed my phone to check and I saw a message came from Dan.
“Hindi mo na ako maalala pero hinahanap at kinakamusta mo ako sa tropa..hehe…”
Holy Mother Forking Shirt Balls! I was literally stunned and confused at the same time. There’s a snitch among the boys in front of me and I wonder who it was. Ang masama pa nito, baka alam pa nya yung totoong nangyari sa amin ni Dan.
***********
Ch.3 – Reality check
Paranoia started to really sink in. I was freaking out to the thought na baka may pinagsabihan si Dan sa nangyari sa amin. Still, I remained calm and pretended like there’s nothing bothering me at kunwari nakikinig sa usapan nila.
My eyes were discreetly moving left to right, anxiously looking at the guys in front of me…. trying to guess who’s the guy or guys he’s been talking to. My hands were trembling and it’s really hard to remain comfortable lalo na may gumugulo sa isip ko. So I decided to confront Dan to get everything to straighten out.
“So, sino kasabwat mo dito? I can’t believe pinagkalat mo yung nangyari….please lang flight ko na tom…wag mo na ako guluhin…” Message ko sa kanya.
He replied a few seconds later;
“Kasabwat saan? Lol…. Kahit ano pang isipin mo, ni-isa wala akong pinagsabihan..” Pagdedeny pa nya. “Si Brian ang nagsabi sa akin na hinahanap mo ako… niyaya nya ako pumunta dyan…mukhang balak ka pa pormahan ng mga mokong na yan hehe!…” Dagdag pa nya.
Another photo message pops-up… pero this time it’s a recent screencap convo nya with Brian that confirms na he’s telling the truth. Their convo exchanges went something like this;
Brian: Pre punta ka na.. nandito yung chiks na type mo kasama namin hehe kinakamusta ka..
Then he attached a few stolen shots of me. (Apparently, this guy is candidly taking photos of me earlier)
Brian: Ganda nya, panalo!
Dan: Kasama nyo ngayon?
Brian: Oo pre, sarap sana diskartehan kaso kups lang tong si xtian. KJ e… Pero mukhang malabo din to kasi parang snob e. Kay Jeff lang sumasakay sa mga biruan. Mukhang sa gwaping lang interesado hehe
Dan: Hindi yan. Mas papatol yan sayo, pakitaan mo ng abs mo pre hehe. (referring to his fat belly)
Napatingin ako kay Brian after ko mabasa yung convo nila ni Dan. Akala ko eh innocent flirting at biruan lang ang mga hirit nila. I have no idea na interested pala talaga sila sa akin… Somehow, Brian was right… I was responding more to Jeff because of his looks, demeanour and he’s the youngest amongst the group so parang magka-level kami.
Abruptly, bumalik yung attention ko sa kwentuhan nila. I heard Brian was talking about a girl that Dan hooked up with a few days ago. Normally eager daw mag kwento at magmayabang si Dan about sa mga “girls” kuno nya pero this time he’s being super secretive daw. All he knows is naka jackpot daw sya kasi maganda daw yung girl… To them, Dan has zero credibility and they were all joking pa na baka Domestic Helper (DH) daw yung na nameet nya from Lucky Plaza (Pinoy Hub in SG)…. mga ganung tipo lang daw ang papatol sa kanya… sabay tawanan na sila.
They were all making fun of Dan pero walang silang kaalam alam na I was that girl Brian was referring to. I felt some sort of relief na hindi pinagkakalat ni Dan yung nangyari sa amin… but a part of me felt amused the way he’s giving them ‘hints’ yet clueless sila na it was actually me. Of course, I can’t blame them though… sino bang magiisip na ako yun?.
I had a lot of empathy towards Dan after hearing how his own friends mock and makes fun of him. How I wish he can prove them wrong and I can allow him to tell them what really happened. Still, watching their ignorance was highly entertaining and somehow I wish na naririnig ni Dan yung usapan nila.
I was typing in my reply when another message from Dan pops in to my screen;
“Goodluck nalang sa kanila sa pagdiskarte sayo, Taena dapat mahaba pasensya nila sa ugali at kabaliwan mo hehe… nakakapagod mag-effort at maghabol habol sayo e… hindi worth it eh. Enjoy kayo…”
Of all the offensive, crude and bastos words that he used and said towards me, that last message right there sored me the most. Maybe he was joking or possibly being sarcastic, pero pucha… those words really hit me hard. I excused myself again to the toilet as I couldn’t hide being emotional. I was furious with a battered ego. Fuck!, who does he think he is!
“Hindi worth it? Sino ka ba ha? Feeling gwapo ka ah….You should be grateful…you got lucky. Enjoy that…..” inis kong reply ko sa kanya and I wasn’t even done.
“Never think na I’m some kind of desperate girl just because pumatol ako sa kagaya mo… Guys like you should never given a chance in the first place… again you got lucky lang and that’s on me, pero never think na pumayag ako dahil sayo… please lang…
“So, good luck making them believe na pumatol ako sa kagaya mo…Nobody believes in you. Not even your friends. Why would they? Look at you and look at me…enjoy being a one-hit wonder…asshole!”
I was never those people who really look down and lash on people.. well at least I don’t say it out loud… pero wala akong hesitation sa mga pinagsasabi ko sa kanya. I was on fire. Again I waited for a while if he’s gonna reply and when he didn’t, bumalik na ulit ako sa table namin. I felt adrenaline rushing through me and feeling good standing for myself.
A few minutes later my anger subsided and immediately felt downhearted which is weird. I was holding my phone when suddenly another viber notification appeared on my phone screen and It was from Dan again. He sent me a video with a murky preview. While the guys are still busy making fun of Dan, I turned off the sound of my phone then played the video hiding away the screen from anyone’s visibility.
The video was dark, pixelated and grainy. I saw a girl na nakatuwad sa parang blue sofa bed facing the window… her hair was being pulled while being f*ucked rapidly from behind. Nakakahilo yung scene kasi the camera was shaking and jerking all over the place. Then suddenly all the movements stopped, the camera view stayed still, tapos I saw yung hips ng girl na nanginginig. The guy began to pull-out pero yung hips ng girl parang humahabol pa atras like she doesn’t want to let his cock go.
The guy kept on teasing her, moving slightly side by side as if he’s teasing to pull-out… pero yung girl, she looked so desperate while nakatuwad at habol ng habol sa cock nung guy. This goes on for a while until I saw the girl flipped her hair to her ear…. then she turned her head to her right with her lusted eyes stared to the camera. I almost dropped my phone sa nakita ko.
It was me
How dumb that it never occurred to me that this video actually exists. I felt so stupid for thinking he was taking a shaky photo instead of filming me. I remember being so lost in the moment while thinking pa na I’ll be able to delete whatever he took after we finished. He fucked me so good that he made my brain and emotions focus and worry on other things. Ang tanga ko lang for thinking it wouldn’t matter
The entire week of recovery, moving on and trying to bury every memory of what happened that night were all wasted. Watching that video all of a sudden brought me back to that eventful night… like it was fresh na parang kanina lang sya nangyari. The video was dark and pixelated and it only shows a side of my face. I remember thinking pa na if situation gets really messy, I can oppose na ako yun and claim that girl can be anyone…
I continued watching as I saw the concern in my face after learning I was being filmed. I noticed my hand was about to do something… either to push myself away or grab his phone but then the video began to jerk like crazy, na parang I was being mercilessly fucked over and over… my hand went back to the sofa bed instead while holding on to my dear life.
The jerking eventually stopped.. halos maiyak ako when I saw myself looking back at the camera again while grinding back and forth and said something I couldn’t hear kasi naka silent yung phone ko. There’s no denying anymore… it was me. My face literally says it all… fighting my own desire, pleading…begging like some desperate whore.
I literally wanted to die after that. Gusto kong magtatakbo palabas and scream my lungs out for acting the way that I just did while being recorded. Did he trick me or pulled some black magic crap sa akin? or was I truly submissive to my libog that I would lose control and not care about being filmed. Right after the video ended, I saw a message just below the video attachment;
“So ano ka ngayon J? Nasaan na taray mo. Wala pa rin bang maniniwala sa akin?…” mayabang na tono ng message nya.
The guys in front of me are still mocking, kulitan, making fun of Dan’s diskarte about me. Christian even exclaimed pa na there’s no way na papatol daw ako sa kagaya ni Dan… Bewildered and unaware that in my hand just inches away from him was the living proof disproving what he just said.
I re-watched the video again from the beginning. Ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin yung cock ni Dan intensely sliding in and out of me as if parang he’s right there sa likod ko, fucking me from behind at kinakantot nya ako right in front of the guys… his friends and my ex-boyfriend.
I was barely thinking straight anymore. Parang I was there chatting and smiling but my mind was in somewhere else. My brain was mentally fucked and everything’s seems to be in slow motion. Lahat ng progress ko for the past few days are gone. I felt defeated lalo na sa mga pinagsasabi ko kay Dan earlier. I couldn’t think of anything else to say except telling him yung totoong nararamdaman ko.
“You didn’t have to film me like that. You made me look like something I am not…” Reply ko.
A few seconds later nagreply sya
“Yan ang totoo mo, wag ka na mag-deny… Sa totoo lang mabait pa ako at pinanindigan ko na wala akong pagsasabihan kahit nag mumukha na naman akong tanga….” He’s right, so far he’s been keeping everything to himself and proven to be trustworthy.
“Last week halos paglaruan mo ako kung papayag ka o hindi. Sure, sa bandang huli nagpakantot ka pa rin sa akin, pero taena ginawa mo akong desperado sayo, habol ng habol sayo…..Sa tingin mo hahabol habol pa ako sayo ngayon dahil sa nangyari? Nakantot na kita. Ikaw ang maghabol ngayon puta ka..” dagdag pa nya..
Wala akong masabi. I kept deleting yung mga na type ko na na messages. Nanginginig yung mga fingers ko. I couldn’t find the words to bring or defend myself up. The guys in front of me were asking me if I’m alright at mukha daw akong nakareceive ng bad news. I couldn’t think straight anymore so sinabi ko na lang na my parents are checking on me and I might need to go home na.
My ego was beaten and feeling demoralized. Hindi pa ako tapos sa pagtype ko ng reply kay Dan when suddenly a torrent of reality check messages from him shattered my core even more.
“Ano pakiramdam ng maluwag na puke mo J? Ano pakiramdam ng kasama mo si Christian ngayon at wala syang kaalam alam na sarap na sarap kang nagpakantot sa akin? Na ginawa lang kitang parausan ko….”
“Nagti-timpi lang ako, pero J, taena wala na akong pakialam…hindi ka special, feeling conservative at matino ka lang pero nasa loob ang kulo mo na sa bandang huli eh hindi mo rin napigilan yang kalibugan mo…”
“Lakas mo manlait kanina pero sa “kagaya” ko lang din bagsak mo…Sa totoo lang dapat ikaw pa mag pasalamat sa akin kasi nilabas ko yang libog mo sa katawan. Nilabas ko kung ano ka talaga. Pinakita ko sayo kung gaano ka sarap na sarap habang kinakantot, kung paano ka magmakaawa sa titi ko. Kapag high na high ka na sa kalibugan mo, wala ka ng pakialam. Magpapakantot ka na kahit kanino. Kahit sa akin na hindi mo naman kilala, pumapayag ka na na laspaging ko yang iniingatan mong puke…”
“Nung libog na libog ka inamin mo na pakantot ka. Ikaw yun. Yun ang totoo mo. Yun talaga ang purpose mo na magpasarap ng tite at magparaos ng lalake… you are born to fuck, yan ang hindi nagegets ni Christian at ng mga manliligaw mo na trina-trato kang prinsesa…..pero sa loob loob mo e gusto mo na ginagawa kang puta at parausan …at alam mong tama ako…”
“So, sinuwerte lang ba ako J? Ako lang yung putanginang may lakas magsabi ng totoo sayo pero willing ka pa din magpakantot sa akin. Kuhang kuha ko na yang kalibugan mo…..I own you,.. pokpok kitang putangina ka… Ngayon mo sabihin sa akin kung mali ako at wala ka ng maririnig sa akin…”
I was stunned and shaken by his radical candor. My heart was pounding while feeling the blush covering my face. “Was he right? Is he right? Am I really that kind of woman? Is he screwing with my mind?” I sat there, thinking about everything he just said while pretending to be normal like nothing’s going on.
I wanted to be angry sa kanya pero I wasn’t. I feel like crying but I couldn’t. What’s wrong with me? I was feeling more defeated and more upset about myself as I couldn’t find the words to dispute all the nasty things that he said to me. I grew up being competitive at hindi madaling magpatalo… but at that moment there’s nothing left to argue. I came to a realization na he might be right about me. There’s no point of denying it anymore and I just need to tell him what I’ve gone through.
“Shit ka Dan… I waited for you to call or magparamdam. You have no idea what you did to me… I gave myself fully sayo… I got hurt when sinabi mo pa na I wasn’t worth it…. hindi mo alam kung gaano ka big deal sa akin yung nangyari…” reply ko sa kanya.
Dan continued being outspoken and started telling me what he wanted me to be.
“Well sa totoo lang nakakapagod na yang pagka split personality mo eh. One minute akala mo kung sinong pa-conservative snob ka tapos kapag lumabas na libog mo para kang may switch at biglang sabik na sabik ka na sa kantot…”
“Gusto ko I-fullfil mo yung totoong purpose mo na magpasarap ng lalaki. Gusto ko magpakapokpok ka talaga. Rare ka kasi maganda ka at sobrang libog mo…Wag mo na labanan kung ano ka talaga. Gusto ko lagi mong ilabas ang libog mo…”
“So J, sa harap ng mga tropa ko at sa harap ni Christian… sabihin mo sa akin kung ano ka at ano kita tangina ka…”
I know that the way he’s treating me was downright wrong and cruel. He doesn’t have to do that and I know a lot of you would certainly agree… But him being so confident and outspoken captivates me more than anything. His rude approach, the way he objectifies me, him ordering me what to do… It’s a kink that I never thought I had nor covet and not a lot of guys/girls would ever understand that.
After reading Dan’s message, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Dan was right about me, for struggling to accept who I really was. That long exhale was myself letting go of inhibitions. No more lying to myself. Wala ng kaartehan. When I did, it’s like a switch at sobrang libog na libog yung nararamdaman ko. I found out na sobrang submissive ko pa lang tao.
I gazed upon those guys sitting right in front of me. I caught some of them staring and wondering if I’m alright. I gave them a reassuring grin to let them know na there’s nothing to be concerned about where in fact they have no idea that behind those sweet smile, my body was literally on fire.
I’ve never felt this libog in a public place before… let alone having that lewd feeling while surrounded by a couple of guys. It felt so liberating na parang exposed na exposed yung libog ko and yet it’s crazy that nobody even notices. I should win an acting award for this.
The more I thought about I was deceiving them, the more and more I fully began to understand who I truly am and in fact, I was so submissively broken that in my head I started apologizing to those people arbitrated by my old self.
Sorry to all the guys I rejected in the past, sa mga nanliligaw sa akin, sa mga gustong pumorma sa akin, all your efforts are greatly appreciated, pero I’m destined to be this guy’s slut. Not to be his someone special, but a girl he just fucks, para magparaos at pampalipas libog. Yup… while you guys are treating me with so much respect, I on the other hand, will forever be on my hands and my knees begging to be fucked by a guy na hindi nyo paniniwalaan na papatulan ko.
Then I turned my head to my left while staring at Christian. He gave me a smile like a clueless idiot. I can see the sincerity in his eyes… pero sorry na lang talaga.
Sorry for all your efforts and believing na magkakabalikan pa tayo. You were truly the one for me talaga. But I just deserve a better fuck than the one that we had before. Sorry pinahirapan at pinaghintay kita ng matagal nung tayo pa… tapos heto ako ngayon nagpapaka pokpok kay Dan… He just fucks me so good and so much better than you ever did…. and in my viscious twisted fantasy, I hope there’s a way you can see me being fucked by him… to see me getting the fuck that I truly deserve… to see what your loving ex-girlfriend has become, a cock begging slut….
I started writing my reply to Dan without even covering my phone screen. At that point, I don’t even care if somebody read it. I don’t give a ‘fork’ anymore.
“Well I’m yours Dan. I’m yours to fuck whenever, wherever you want talaga. Meet me sa hotel… ilalabas ko buong libog ko sayo… kantutin mo ako all night… I wanna wake up the next day feeling sore just like the last time… hindi na ako mag-aarte I swear…. you want a slut right?… Well, you got one….”
He then replied a few seconds later;
“Ah ayoko…. Malibog ka diba? Gusto mo makantot diba? pwes Ikaw mismo pumunta dito sa unit ko. Kung totoong pakantot ka sa akin, i-prove mo yan, ikaw ang mag-effort para makatikim ng burat. Ayoko na ng maarte, nahihiya at napipilitan. Ilabas mo yang landi mo sa katawan… ipakita mo sa akin kung paano ka mag pasarap ng lalaki…”
I was a little hesitant at first. I mean, ako pa talaga yung pupunta sa bahay ng guy just to get laid and Dan was a narcissist to fully expect me to be fine with it. But I was already consumed with libog and there’s no way mag aarte pa ako on my last chance to be with him. Yes, I may be getting crazy but my mind was never been perfectly clear… I’ll go and not because pinilit nya ako or being blackmailed nor I was drunk or drugged. Walang budol-budol here. I’m going there on my own free will. Because that’s what real sluts do right?
I asked for his address and he gave it to me agad followed by another message of something I should be expecting to happen later that night;
“Sige na at magpaalam ka na sa kanila. Mag smile ka sa kanila lalo na kay Christian. Pakita mo sa kanila yung magandang smile at lips mo… taena, wala silang kaalam alam na mamaya lang eh may subo subong burat yang pakipot mong lips na yan…”
********
Ch.4 – Cheating
“Sige na at magpaalam ka na sa kanila. Mag smile ka sa kanila lalo na kay Christian. Pakita mo sa kanila yung magandang smile at lips mo… taena, wala silang kaalam alam na mamaya lang eh may subo subong burat yang pakipot mong lips na yan…”
I read that message over and over.
The highlight of my entire agonizing week was pretending to be normal. For some, ‘pretending’ may sound like a chore but it wasn’t in my case. The thought of betraying guys with my goody two shoe image was arousingly fun for me… and Dan somehow recognizes that. Dan is aware of my strong reluctance giving head but he’s trying to manipulate me with this living a ‘double-life’ fixation in order to give in. Believe it or not, it was working.
I was dazzled pa of his self assumed act like he’s not forcing or putting much effort to persuade me or anything. It wasn’t even a request nor asking for my permission. It’s a spoiler, not a prediction of what I’ll be doing to him later that night.
“Hey guys, I have to go na pala… hindi pa ako tapos mag pack eh…” I said while preparing and about to rise from my seat.
Both Jeff and Brian were persistent to convince me to stay. Mejo flirty pa nga yung dating ng mga hirit nila. But, Christian was visibly uncomfortable so certainly he insists on me leaving. I can really tell by his smirks na nagsisisi sya na sinama pa nya ako sa dinner nila. He excused himself for a quick toilet break tapos ihahatid nya daw ako to the nearest MRT (train) station.
While Christian was away, Brian immediately jumps in and confronted me kung ano daw ba meron sa amin ni Christian at bakit daw parang may gusto sya sa akin at binabantayan ako. “Ask Christian na lang not me…” reply ko subtle confirming there’s history between us. They all seem to get it so parang we were giving each other colluding looks and grins na parang we are about to blindside someone at the tribal council.
Jeff intervened and making kulit about asking for my number… He ‘jibber-jabbed’ about his life in SG and how similar our situation is about deciding between Dubai and SG. He has a standing offer din daw to work sa Dubai for a better role and pay but he’s holding out his decision kasi mas masaya daw sya sa SG. May mga hirit pa nga sya na he might consider accepting the offer from Dubai if dun daw ako pupunta.
This should be a good stopping point to quickly introduce Jeff. He’s a stud, end of the story lol. His aura reminds me a lot of Jonah from Superstore the way he converses. Very well mannered and professionally above my level. In short, the kind of guy worth keeping yourself single status for… and he’s into me! Yay! I’ll talk more about him as the story goes on.
Jeff without being discreet in front of everyone asked me out for a brunch date just before my flight. I froze after realizing the pile of ‘baggage’ I currently have but fork it… I said yes. Why not? I like him and we have a connection. A guy like him won’t stay single for very long. We were adding each other’s contacts sa viber when a message from Dan suddenly pops into my screen;
“Papunta ka na ba? Taena libog na libog ako sayo ngayon J, lalo na kapag naiisip ko na wala silang kaalam alam dyan na malibog at pakantot kang puta ka…”
Only then it hit me the complexity of the situation I built. I’m such a riptide, as in Judy Hale level, I just pull everyone into a disaster. Jeff does not deserve all of this. Ayoko ng madamay pa sya so my intention at that time was to keep everything about us discreet. I thought I could probably endure naman keeping all those secrets for less than 24 hours tutal paalis na rin naman ako.
I know I was being greedy and it’s totally unfair to Jeff pero I thought soon after all this mess, it will all be resolved on its own. Dan was nothing more than a ‘vacationship’- a person you hook up with for a few days on vacation. As for Christian, why would I bother considering him and settle for being just a ‘substitute’ girlfriend? I’m like dude? Hello? Try to break things off muna with your girlfriend before playing it safe and coming after me.
My thoughts were distracted when Dan sent me another photo of his fully erect cock. Here we go again. Suddenly I lost all my hearing… buong concentration ko lang fixated sa picture na sinend nya.
I was a late bloomer so at the time I only heard about guys who do and into this kind of stuff, y’know randomly (or not) sending dick pics to girls like it’s their way of seducing them. I found it so laughable when ‘some’ guys believe that a photo of their manhood have some kind of hypnotic powers to captivate women. I don’t get it and normally I find it offensive at kadiri (I still do on certain occasions)…
If my memory serves me right, that night was probably the first time I was on the receiving end of a dickpic (twice). Pretty historic lol. At that time I wasn’t grossed out. Dan’s cock was uncanny. I was sitting there spellbound in front of Dan’s friends, gripping my phone with one hand na parang hawak hawak ko yung cock nya for real.
My full attention was all over the photo of his cock, not bothered by Christian just inches away from sitting next to me. I tried to recall the last time it went past my lips. I do remember it happened pero hindi ko gaanong maalala yung feeling. I was at the peak of my orgasm nun so my normal attentive self wasn’t registering the fact na subo subo ko yung titi nya. My subconscious self took over and once it went past my lips… God damn sinipsip ko sya like my inner slutty side would always want me to do.
The noise of the room started to gradually come back. “Wag daw maingay kay Christian…” was all they’re saying after nila makita si Christian pabalik na sa table namin. I stood up and we said goodbyes… I can see their conniving faces pero hindi naman sila nag papahalata. As Christian and I walked away from them, I glanced back and saw Jeff feeling pretty proud of himself scoring a date out of me in front of his friends… not realizing he’s only benefiting to whatever is left of me that night.
Plano ni Christian ihatid ako hanggang MRT station pero sabi ko na mas prefer ko to take the Cab na lang. He apologized na hindi nya ako mahahatid pabalik sa hotel kasi nag kakayaan daw pumunta kina Brian for drinks and video game (NBA 2K). Mejo lutang ako nun when they had planned that earlier. Ayaw nya na sana sumama sa kanila pero baka sandali lang daw sya dun at gusto nya daw ako samahan at tulungan mag pack later. I panicked and got really animated to push him away. I was like ‘go have fun with his friends’ and told him not to worry about me yadda yadda. No way I’m gonna allow him to ruin my night with Dan.
Walking towards the taxi stand, I thanked him for everything, as in everything for looking after me my entire trip, yung effort nya including those sweet gestures and surprises. He opened the taxi door and told the driver my hotel then closes the door after ko makasakay like a true gentleman. Nakatingin ako sa kanya while he’s standing outside and waving goodbye… I gave him a smile, bit my lower lip ng malandi and mouthed the words “I’m sorry…” just before the taxi went off.
After telling the driver kung saan talaga ako ako papunta, I began to reflect what I’m about to do. Yes, may feeling of guilt pa rin akong nararamdaman kay Christian lalo na ramdam na ramdam ko yung effort nya sa akin to win me back. Pero ewan ko ba. The more he’s chasing me and feel loved by him, the more naman na mas lalong nadadagdagan yung excitement ko gumawa ng kalokohan behind his back.
Christian has a good soul and doesn’t deserve this kind of deception. I feel no bitterness for not telling me about his girlfriend so it wasn’t about revenge anymore. Ewan ko, hindi ko ma-explain. For some reason, the thought of me being unfaithful to him was so appealing. The idea of some stranger owning me and using me for pleasure lang and then go back to my dignified moral self in front of Christian and others was exhilarating… and it’s crazy.
Naalala ko bigla na hindi pa pala ako nagrereply sa mga messages ni Dan. Sa totoo lang, I wasn’t even sure what to say or reply to him. As I scrolled my phone up to read more of our previous convo, mas lalo naman akong nakakaramdam ng libog through those bastos and demeaning words na sinabi nya about me. I scrolled up even more and then I stumbled upon the video that he sent me earlier. I plugged my earphones and decided to rewatch the video with sound this time around.
“Sagutin mo ako J, pakantot ka ba?” I heard Dan asking me ng may gigil.
I waited for my response; I don’t know why I had hoped I did not say yes, but I found myself almost praying that I was going to say no. Then I heard myself moaning na halos isigaw ko na, “Yes Dan…PAKANTOT AKO!”
That wasn’t enough for him though and he kept on berating me: “Ano? tama na? Stop na? Beg me tàngina ka!…”
I heard myself begging “No please..kantutin mo ako Dan… dont stop please!…” habang yung hips ko habol ng habol sa tigas na tigas na titi nya..
I watched myself getting fucked relentlessly in front of my hotel window for everyone to see. I was mesmerized sa napapanood ko sa sarili ko, the way that I began to slowly fuck back, kung paano ko salubungin yung pag banat nya sa puke ko, trying to get him to do it to me faster and harder. I could feel it all over again; nararamdaman ko ulit yung feeling ng titi nya, fucking deep in me all over again.
“Pokpok ba kta ha? akin ka na J! slave na kita.. slave ko na yang putanginang kalibugan mo!” I heard him asking me with his assertive voice
I turned my head to face the camera with my face overpowered by libog and said “Ang sarap ng titi mo Dan, kantutin mo pa ako… you can fuck me forever I swear…”
I sat there sa taxi, tulala — tulala sa sarili ko with myself I’d seen and heard on the video. I did not recall swearing na he can fuck me forever. Naalala ko na I may have said some things but not like that. I told myself na nasabi ko lang yun dahil wala ako sa sarili ko, na what I said wasn’t true, na I would never say those things. Lahat ng bullshit excuses naisip ko na.
Kahit anong deny ko sa sarili ko, deep inside I meant every single word I said that night. Pinikit ko nalang mga mata ko trying not to be brought back to that moment pero the sound alone draws me back in lalo with the way that I responded and act when sobrang high sa libog. I have watched many x-rated videos over the past few days and while some of it did really turned me on… watching myself with Dan and hearing myself begging, admitting na pakantot ako and swearing na he can fuck me forever… it had an effect. It was an incredible effect, one I did not think it’s possible. I was hotter than I had ever been in my entire life.
“Fuck J pupunta ka ba? Tigas na tigas titi ko sayo ngayon, Naalala ko nung sinisipsip mo burat ko habang punong puno ng tamod yang face mo… Taena ka nakakalibog ka tingnan…” Follow-up message nya.
Lalo pang nadagdagan yung libog na nararamdaman ko that time dahil sa sinasabi pa nya. How incredibly lucky he is for him to witness a glorious sight where my suitors would only dream of, or never thought they’d ever see me- face in ecstacy covered with cum with a cock sliding in and out sa lips ko. It should have been the most disgraceful and demeaning feeling ever… and why? I pampered my face almost my entire life… I spent so much on beauty and make-up products, regular visits to derma and spas…. only for some random guy to use my face as a cum dumping place. Really?
“Sarap isipin na nakatayo ako tapos nakaluhod ka sa akin…naka-nganga at nakatingin sa mata ko….naghihintay sa kababuyan na gagawin ko sayo..” bastos na message at pangugulit pa nya “Taena ka J pupunta ka ba? Gusto ko na maramdaman yang makipot na lips mo na taas baba sa titi ko… fuck yang lips mo… shape talaga pang chupa ng burat…”
I suddenly got a little conscious about my lips all of a sudden. I grabbed my compact mirror sa bag ko then flipped it open and aimed directly at my lower face. I wasn’t sure about the ‘shape thingy’ na sinasabi nya pero I noticed na maliit nga talaga lips ko.
I was putting on some lipstick when I heard my phone ringing and it was Dan calling. Nagulat ako kasi he never ever calls. I began to feel some sense of desperation sa kanya lalo na I haven’t been replying to any of his messages since asking for his address.
That’s when I realized how tables are turned and Dan needed me more than I need him. That probably was the first time I felt some sense of control between us. So, I decided not to answer his call. I wanna let him think na I wasn’t coming and make him habol me a little bit at pakabahin sya ng konti… and just when he realizes na I wasn’t coming and failed to persuade me, that’s when I’ll show up unexpectedly on his front door looking desirable as hell, full of libog… offering myself to him. Sounds like a plan…
The thought of surprising him made me even hotter. Reading his crude messages again, I can sense na he’s trying to condition my mind and priming me to give him a blowjob…. ewan ko… a week ago I never ‘eveeer’ imagined myself giving head. I barely had any attraction to a cock much and I could simply not imagine myself on my knees and enjoying it. It’s degrading eh. the idea of a guy sticking their cock malapit sa face ko makes my body shiver as if to say “NO” like it knew na hinding hindi ko gagawin yun.
After my rude awakening, I became more open to things and began pulling myself away to any limitations. I noticed it the day after when watching those porn videos, All of a sudden witnessing those big cocks being sucked on was really turning me on at nacucurious tuloy ako what it’s like sucking one for real.
I know how mortifying it feels thinking my mouth is gonna be used for some sort of ‘parausan’ lang. He said it himself, once I got on my knees, I should be ready sa mga kababuyan na gagawin sa akin. Sick! Why on earth would I remotely consider doing it to him yet knowing how humiliating it will be for me? What motivates me to break all my rules and just surrender to someone who doesn’t deserve what I’m about to give up. I know the reason and it took me a while before realizing why…
It’s the sexual thrill of cheating.
The arousal that I get from cheating was undeniably the reason why pumayag ako kay Dan right from the very beginning. I wasn’t even physically attracted to him and hated his maangas na ugali. Pero of all the guys who courted me or tried na dumiskarte sa akin before, Dan was the only SOB lucky enough to get through me and why? Because I have someone to cheat on… and unfortunately, it’s Christian.
Of course, it wasn’t technically cheating perse since Christian and I weren’t really together… but it’s the closest feeling of unfaithfulness I could get. I had it in me the entire time deeply buried by indoctrinated morals and principles. Credit to Dan for unlocking that hidden desire in me. Yung diskarte nya sa akin since the very beginning made me feel like I was committing infidelity.
That entire experience with Dan was so good because of that ‘sneaky’ feeling. Yung pagpayag kong pagpapakantot sa harap ng window and the electric rush that made me feel na baka makita kami ni Christian. How can I forget the way Dan relentlessly fucked my pussy while kausap ko sya sa phone. For every halik, dila at pagpasok ng titi ni Dan sa puke ko… for every time I cummed hard more than I ever had before, for every slut-shaming words na binitiwan nya sa akin… for every time I beg Dan na kantutin nya ako and for every tamod I let him shot into my face… none of that would’ve ever happened if it wasn’t for the thought of I was doing it behind Christian’s back.
Kahit hindi naman talaga kami, I used our history and familiarity to program my thoughts na I was cheating on him and his confession about his unfaded feelings was like the icing on the cake. Heck, the thought of devirginizing my mouth to somebody else was like spitting on the prinsesa treatment he showcased the entire time I’ve known him.
Damn right he deserved it. Why? I could have been sucking his cock like a slut every night for years if only he had made me do him that way. Kung nag attempt lang sya to break me, I could have been his slave bitch all along but he was too much of a wimp to spread my legs and rightfully take me the way I should have been. I didn’t know at that time na may ganito pala akong side pero it should’ve been him and he had 3 wonderful years of wasted opportunity. He too needed a f*cking rude awakening.
Soon enough I come to realize that I don’t need to involve a particular person to cheat on so that I can feel the thrill of cheating. Feeling ko every time I was doing something out of my character, ramdam ko pa rin yung pagiging deceitful ko and not on certain somebody but to myself… defrauding my morals, beliefs and misleading everyone with my pa-conservative trait. Turning my back on those morals and beliefs that made me gain those matitinong friends, earn respect from men and made my parents proud.
The entire cab ride was all about self-reflection and resignation to my own fate. The entire trail of cheating thoughts made me even more libog and cunning at the same time. It’s never a good combination kasi feeling ko na capable ako to do almost anything, as in anything. I found myself feeling more courageous and less morally conflicted.
I sat there very calm, just blankly staring at the window looking far ahead sa mga possibleng mangyayari that night. I don’t plan to be just a rag-doll at hahayaan ko lang si Dan gawin ang mga gusto nyang gawin sa akin. I wanted to reward him for helping me discover myself. I wanted him to feel like a winner and showboat how he stole me from somebody else’s property and turned me to be his pokpok in just a matter of days. I wanted to be the girl that he always brags about for years to come. Hello new J!
***********
Ch.5 – Perceived Expectation
I saw my cab entered into a driveway surrounded by all similar looking high-rise apartments. I was a bit concerned pa na I might get lost or maubusan ng oras kakahanap ng place ni Dan but luckily the driver dropped me off near the exact lift lobby ng apartment block nila.
Finding where to go wasn’t as confusing as I initially thought it would be as there are directional signs naman everywhere. The lift only stops at a certain floor level (3, 5 & 9) which is weird but luckily Dan’s unit was among the stopping point. I can feel my heart rhythmically pounding to every step while I navigate along the open corridors. Why am I here again?
Dan’s Crib. For illustration purposes only.
Malayo pa ako sa unit ni Dan pero my mind was way ahead of me like I’m already at the front door imagining kung anong malanding posing ba ang gagawin ko. Should I wet myself and do it Elisha Cuthbert style? or dive in and do any of Barney & Ted’s ‘Naked man’ pose? I wasn’t even sure pa nga if he still expects me to come but I was hoping for it. I wanna surprise him and see this appalling reaction when he sees me.
As I got closer to his unit, I realized that this apartment building is way different from what I had imagined prior. I wasn’t expecting it to be too ‘open’ or exposed. Primarily, I envisioned myself walking into like a secured condominium hallway na I could just walk into his front door and knocked without anyone noticing. At that time, hindi pa ako familiar sa mga HDB living ng Singapore eh. I wasn’t even aware pa nga na most of the resident pala are flat sharing.
Dan’s unit was all the way to end, may paliko and his front door is adjacent to another front door of a different unit. Doors are gated and the door itself seems solid and heavy and I doubt anybody from the inside could hear me knocking. I felt so exposed just standing there tapos yung next unit naka open pa yung door nila and I can hear people inside watching TV. The corridors are open and friendly to the point of accidental recklessness. In fact, I can see a few residents coming from the lift lobby and from the corridors of the opposite block.
I prefer not to draw any attention from the neighbours by knocking the door loud or just standing there suspiciously. So I decided to call Dan sa phone ko even though I wasn’t even sure what to tell him… All I could think of was sira na plano ko. Hindi man lang sya nag “hello” when he answered the call. I heard him asking me agad with asserting voice na “Saan ka!?”
I paused for a few seconds… disappointed for failing to surprise him. But, I was dreading to see his reaction when he sees this horny chic at his doorstep. So, I wanted to keep the convo as short and vague as possible to avoid any awkwardness on my part by going to his place just to get laid.
“I’m waiting outside… sa labas ng door ng unit mo…” I answered and hung up the phone agad. He tried calling me again twice pero both times I cancelled his call. “Shit naman… no need to call me, just open the freaking door…” mejo naiinis ko pang bulong sa sarili ko.
I waved my hair and opened a few extra buttons of my pink sleeveless top. My left hand in my waist while my right hand is carrying down the strap of my shoulder bag. I angled my face a little bit while looking straight and slightly biting my right lower lip… trying to project myself sexy.
It took awhile bago ko narinig yung pag unlock ng door. My exhales were extra long and softly said “shit” sa sarili ko while maybe biting my lower lip a little too hard in anticipation of Dan’s reaction when he sees me. Finally, the door opened and I was floored sa nakita ko…
It wasn’t Dan. It was some other dude.
I froze to where I was standing and I couldn’t even move. I heard the guy asking if I was looking for Dan. I saw the guy smirked pa nga at my reaction dahil speechless talaga ako as in walang words na lumalabas sa bibig ko. He opened the gate and invited me to come in. My body felt numb at hiyang hiya sa nangyari.
“Pasok ka, may binili lang si Dan sa labas, kakatawag lang nya sa akin…” Sabi nung guy while standing inside, holding the door and waiting for me na pumasok.
*********
“Uhm.. here nalang po ako… call ko muna si Dan…” I said while inangat ko casually yung bag ko around my chest and trying to pretend na I was looking for my phone where in fact I was actually trying to cover the unbuttoned part of my top.
I took my phone in one hand while my other hand is hugging my bag ng mahigpit. While waiting for Dan to answer my call, I noticed that the guy in front of me was talking to some other dude inside the unit. I leaned forward to see who it was pero hindi ko sya kilala. “Is this a joke…” I recall telling myself our of anger. I walked backwards and turned around when Dan answered the call. I was about to lash on him discreetly but before I could even speak, Dan cut me off agad and tried to tell me something in a hurry.
“J saan ka? Hindi mo ako sinasagot kung pupunta ka… Sina Christian parating dyan sa bahay at maglalaro ng X-box at inuman…biglaang plano, on the way na sila!…” taranta nyang pagkakasabi.
“What? akala ko kay Brian sila pupunta? Saan ka ba?” Mejo nagpapanic na din at nanginginig yung boses ko
“Housemate ko si Brian, shet! Nasa labas ako may pinapabili sila… akala ko hindi ka na pupunta tanong ako ng tanong at tawag ng tawag sayo kanina pa….” sabi ni Dan.
“Malayo yung lakad ko pabalik. Wag ka muna bumaba at umalis baka mag ka abutan pa kayo… may hagdan dyan malapit, baba ka lang ng ilang floor… dyan ka na muna magtago tapos tawagan kita kung pwede ka na umalis… magpapaalam nalang ako kunwari sa kanila at pupuntahan nalang kita sa hotel mo mamaya…” He said almost shouting sa kaba.
I began to panic and couldn’t think straight anymore. His plan makes a lot of sense pero parang lutang na lutang yung isip ko na hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano gagawin ko. I walked further and saw the staircase he asked me to take. I glanced back to Dan’s doorstep and noticed that the door was still open and the metal gate seems unlocked… pero the guy who opened the door earlier wasn’t there anymore which is good since hindi ko na kailangan magpaalam.
“May tao sa unit nyo kaya… they saw me…” I asked him while trying to decide what to do
“Okay lang yun hindi ka naman nila kilala…” pa-assure pa nya
I hung up the phone then headed towards the stairs and went down a few floors. I sat through the steps ng malungkot and feeling very disappointed. I buttoned back my top while feeling hiyang hiya sa nangyari. What a forking disaster!
Then I heard a few people walking along the corridor close to the stairs na kinauupuan ko. OMG, my heart instantly jumped thinking it was Christian & co. even though I know for sure it wasn’t them. Yet still, my quick reflexes reacted quickly and got myself up in a hurry while pretended to be climbing up stairs para hindi naman ako mukhang tanga just sitting there suspiciously. I recall thinking there’s no way I can last long sitting there waiting without passing out from emotional collapse.
I messaged Dan and told him how uncomfortable I am and there’s no way I can wait and sit there for very long. Sabi ko na I’ll take my chances nalang na bumaba and will do my very best to avoid anyone. Dan explained the complexity of making my way out and there’s a chance I might get lost and risk myself pa lalo.
“Mas safe ka pa sa room ko magtago kesa maligaw ka sa baba at baka maabutan ka pa nila…” hirit pa nya.
Would it be too much of a risk if I hid inside of Dan’s bedroom instead of seating here shitting myself? The thought of Christian and his friends innocently playing their stupid video game while completely unaware na I was in Dan’s room and doing some sneaky sex, just flipped me back to my libog state. I immediately felt the heat crawling along my arms and body all the way to neck and face.
The idea resonates more like a ‘fantasy’ that sounded pretty cool to experience… but in reality, there’s no way you are doing it or even capable to pull it off. Stuff like that never happened for real and most likely only existed in fictional stories or porn movies. At that moment, unexpected circumstances have given me a rare opportunity and a chance to ‘make it happen’ even though I wasn’t sure how. It’s all up to me at kung gugustuhin ko lang.
The nerve-racking thought of possibly getting caught instantly turned in to ‘trying to find a way to pull this crazy idea off’. I knew that Dan isn’t sharing his room with anyone as he has plans of moving his family with him very soon. Also, there are only two guys currently at his apartment and both are strangers to me. I can get through them if I wanted to.
My thoughts were distracted once again when I heard a few people walking near the staircase I’m sitting in. Instead of going down, napaakyat ulit ako sa stairs out of panic. When I reached the above floor I saw another resident naman palabas ng unit nya. So tuloy tuloy lang ako sa pagakyat until I was back on the same floor where Dan’s unit is… like sex gods are trying to maneuver me back there. I decided to not overthink anymore and gather every lakas ng loob I have left. Screw it… bahala na!
I went back to Dan’s place and noticed that both the entry door and gate were still open. I peeked inside and saw the other guy alone sitting in front of the TV and looks like his full attention was on the screen playing a video game. Hindi ko na makita yung guy na nag open ng door sa akin earlier. I looked to my right while anxiously staring down the lift lobby and worrying that Christian & co. will show up any minute. I didn’t wanna waste any more time…
“Uhm..hello po” Sabi ko then I saw him turned his head and looked towards me. Medyo natataranta pa sya habang lumalapit sa pinto..
“Sabi ni Dan sa room nalang daw nya ako maghihintay…” sabi ko while feeling confident pero deep inside hiyang hiya ako at kinakabahan.
The guy let me in but told me na he’s also just a guest lang din so hintayin daw namin si ‘Kuya Eric’. Eric is the guy who opened the door sa akin earlier pero may kausap lang daw sya sa phone. I just stood there next to the living room window when he offered me to have a seat… pero I didn’t really wanna sit next to him so tumanggi ako. Standing there felt awkward and uncomfortable so I leaned in facing the window na lang pretending to admire the view. Mejo creepy lang when I caught him glancing at me through the glass reflection.
I’ve never felt so exposed and embarrassed in my life. Every second standing there felt like an hour of standing fully naked in public. I noticed him na patingin tingin sya sa akin, probably wondering what a chic like me doing in there or why am I looking for Dan and wanting to wait in his bedroom. I won’t blame him if he thought of me as some kind of a call girl/hooker… I mean, there’s no decent girl would go to a guy’s place that late in the evening for nothing.
Adrenaline helped my confidence in place. Shame eventually faded and I began to embrace the situation I was in. I went there to get laid so what diba? mainggit sila? I glanced at him sa gilid ng mga mata ko without noticeably turning my head. Zero fucks if he thought that I’m too attractive to be victimized by Dan or was I corrupted, forced or being blackmailed or drugged or any sort of logical reasons just to explain kung bakit nandun ako. I quickly spun that embarrassing situation into a perverted thought. It really turns me on when being challenged for being too good to be true. It fuels me to do something crazy…
I saw Eric came out from a door which I assume where the kitchen area is and before he can muster any word, I told him agad what I said to the other ‘guest’ guy. He stood next to the corridor ng room sabay turo sa akin kung nasaan yung room ni Dan. “Excuse me po…” I said while smiling to the guest guy as I walked past the TV. Eric couldn’t even look at me straight habang tinuturo nya yung pinaka dulong pinto ng corridor. I headed towards the room and quickly shut the door pagpasok ko sa loob.
Dan’s bedroom wasn’t what I expected. Well, it is magulo at makalat pero given na yun sa mga lalaki. I was more surprised at how spacious the room was. The ceiling lights were off but the floor standing lampshade (from IKEA) was left open- providing a warm glow and zen-like mood. The room has a double size bed, built-in closets with sliding mirror as doors. He also has his own separate bathroom.
I was pretty proud of myself for having the courage of getting there. I was shaking my head in disbelief to the thought of putting myself at risk of getting caught for something Dan didn’t ask me to do. He floated the idea but I came here on my own. Am I really gonna let him fuck me while Christian and their tropa are just outside the room? I saw myself smiling sa closet door mirror with that perverted thought running inside my head.
I sat on the sofa chair while waiting for Dan to arrive. I noticed the laptop sitting in front of me was left turned on but the screen was off, power-saving I guess. You know that feeling na when you are nervous and you are just looking for something to do without thinking or just trying to get off your mind on something then mangangalikot ka ng kung ano ano… well my hand accidentally touched his laptop mouse and suddenly his laptop screen pops back on. His browser filled the screen with his Facebook profile logged in plus several tabs showing my profile page and photos. Stalker!
I noticed a few chat window flashing at the bottom part ng screen including our chat window when suddenly I remembered something that almost jumped me off my seat. “Fuck our video!” halos isigaw ko sa taranta as I scrolled around our chats in a hurry hoping to delete them forever… Thank God it was right there and deleted it right away from existence.
Suspicious pa rin ako as I thought maybe that wasn’t the only copy. So, I hovered around those folder na nakabukas trying to look for the main video file but no luck. I went to look for all recently opened files but it wasn’t there. That’s when I confirmed that the only copy left is the one inside his phone pa.
The possibility that he shared the video to others suddenly hit me. I checked his Facebook again and scan through every chat he made. Nothing… what a relief!. Then I noticed a chat between him and Brian earlier and I got curious how the conversation went.
Brian: Pre pauwi na din ako kasama ko sila Christian, Jeff, etc… Bili ka ng chips, yelo, ikaw na bahala!
Dan: Ah kasama si Christian? Akala ko ba kasama nyo si J?
Brian: Oo kasama pero pauwi na din, ihahatid ata ni Christian… sayang pero mukhang binabakuran talaga ni Christian. Kups talaga eh, Off-limits daw kasi tropa nya daw yung ex-bf nito sa pinas at parang magbabalikan sila…
Dan: Hahaha ganun ba… pauwi na si J?
Brian: Oo uuwi na, flight na daw bukas. (I guess Dan believed him na pauwi na talaga ako)
Dan: Pre wag mo nalang ipagkalat pero ex yan ni Christian. Yan yung syota nya dati na kwinekwento nya na naghiwalay sila tapos naalala mo heartbroken si Christian na halos every weekend puro inuman tayo nun.
Brian: Weh? Paano mo nalaman? Sinabi nya sayo?
Dan: Oo inamin nya din sa akin… kasi nababadtrip sya nung una kay Christian dahil hindi sya pinakilalang ex-gf nya sa atin. Ako nalaman ko kasi naka-FB ko yan, nalaman ko sa lumang posts nya na magsyota sila.
Brian: Kaya pala kung maka bakuran tong si Christian e..haha … alam ba ni Nat? Baka kaya ayaw sabihin
Dan: Dehins ko alam pre. Basta alam ko badtrip sya kay Christian nung ka-”date” ko sya last week hehe
Brian: haha barbero ka …nag kakitaan lang daw kayo sa Clark Quay eh :D…di tayo uubra parekoy mukhang mataas standards e. Kakapayag lang makipag date bukas kay Jeff at sikreto lang daw kay Christian. Dinaan sa pogi. Yung itsura ni Jeff halatang nagyayabang amp.
Dan: Hehe ganun ba. Popormahan ba ni Jeff?
Brian: Oo..mukhang seryoso e. Mukhang type din sya ni J. kung bata bata lang tayo eh…
Dan: Taena trip na trip mo din si J ah!
Brian then shared a stolen photo of me.
Brian: Hehe ganyan mga tipo ko e malakas dating. Edi si J pala yung banal banalang syota dati ni Christian? Kaya pala semplang ka din, di ka uubra…demonyo ka e hahaha
Dan: Hehe ayoko na lang magyabang pre. Maiinggit ka lang.
Brian: May bago ka ngayon diba? Pakilala mo naman kahit sa akin lang. Hindi ko naman lalaitin e hehe
Dan didn’t respond to that last message. I didn’t upset me when Dan confirmed to Brian the truth about my previous relationship with Christian. I was more concerned about Dan finding out about my date with Jeff. Regardless, he impressed me for keeping everything we did a secret.
I hover around his messenger and went to read some of the chat messages from their group. All sort of topics is in there so I decided to look for their group convo the night when Dan and I fucked inside my hotel room. Dan already shared a few screenshots for me but I wanted to read the rest of it.
While scrolling up the chat history, I stumbled upon their bantering convo several days ‘after’ our wild night. There’s a lot of joking around, asaran at hiritan, then there was Christian burying Dan for pretending na napapayag nya ako makipag-date sa kanya. I’m sure it was all for fun and everyone was having a laugh about it. Dan wasn’t saying much pero nakiki-ride din sya sa biruan.
“Pre, don’t worry wala naman akong planong syotain yang si J. Gusto ko lang bigyan ng isa bago ko isoli sa ex-bf nya….hahaha…after nun kanyang kanya na!” reply ni Dan na dinaaan nya sa biro pero sa tingin ko patama na din nya kay Christian.
I scrolled down further looking for Christian’s response to that comment pero wala. He chickened out. I wanted to know his reaction sa pagiging directness ni Dan na kahit pabiro lang. Pabiro na posibleng totoo. Of course hindi sya biro, he really did gave me ‘one’… so I was dying to find out how’s Christian’s gonna take it.
On the contrary, I felt really bad talaga for Dan. He became everyone’s laughing stock and yet he still chose to kept everything a secret. He could have easily share it to them, wala naman akong magagawa eh lalo na he has this video pa as proof.
Despite his rude treatment towards me, he cared not to destroy my image just so he can brag for his own sake. I found that really attractive about him. I’m glad that I snooped around and read them. At that time he provided me with great ease sa mga possible pang mangyari sa amin. Honestly, I wanted to make him feel so lucky and repay him for being so trustworthy as he really deserves to be rewarded.
He cared for me more than I cared about myself. Sa totoo lang ako pa nga yung naglalagay sa sarili ko at risk by insisting to come inside his room knowing na any minute eh parating na din sina Christian at nasa iisang flat lang kami lahat.
I could’ve followed what Dan suggested to wait somewhere hidden and then ran away when I had the chance. Instead, I came inside his flat and his room na walang pakialam sa iisipin sa akin ng mga bisita at housemate nya. Why? Did I do it for myself thinking his room was a better hiding spot? Or do I want him to feel proud in front of his friends na pinupuntahan sya ng babae just to get laid?
I grew up thinking about sex as a one-way street. Only guys are after and longing for it so by right it’s up for them to do all the work right? All I have to do is pumayag and just lay there and let them do whatever they want to do.
That was my rationale when Christian and I were still dating. I really thought that was enough and already doing him a favor just by ‘pagpayag’ ko. At that time the satisfaction I had from our so-called ‘sex’ doesn’t come from anything he did physically. Sure he did everything to his knowledge naman to make me feel good and yes they are ‘fine’… just nothing to really talk about.
Christian and I only did it for a couple of times pero yung mga ‘pagpayag’ ko was not because of the physical ‘sarap’ feeling but more like the mental pleasure of rewarding him for earning my trust. I wasn’t even doing anything special and in fact, I just lay there like a log and most of the time finish him off with a handjob and that was more than enough for him. Paano pa kaya kung aggressive ako? Good or bad sex, satisfied or not, at least I was mentally overjoyed seeing him happy and feeling lucky.
I realized that I wasn’t just this submissive girl who enjoys being dominated at binabastos ng mga lalaki. I wasn’t just a sociopath who revels cheating. Well, cheating has always been my motivation to break bad… but the pleasure comes from making a guy feels happy, satisfied and fulfilled both physically and mentally. Dan might be right about me along; Magpasarap ng lalaki has always been my true nature.
